In sickness and health

Hyderabad: Hollywood actress Catherine Zeta Jones recently admitted that she “was a mess” after her husband, the actor Michael Douglas, was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. “When I’m married to a man who has such a conviction for life, he fights to make the wrongs right. For the first time he was fighting for his life,” the actress was quoted as saying.

Catherine’s comments have been received with much interest because while attention tends to be focused on a person suffering from a serious illness, in situations like these, not enough is given to caregivers and partners, for whom also, this is an extremely tough phase.

“When your loved one is ill, supporting him/her can be exhausting, Physically, mentally and emotionally,” says eminent psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty. “In such cases, the caregiver shouldn’t try to be a superhero.”

Challenges for those whose loved ones are going through a serious illness can be of the emotional and/or the financial kind. Sometimes, you may even feel resentful towards the partner who is ill, because of the demands it makes on you. “At such times, you need to remember that the person isn’t ill just to ‘harass’ you. Blaming the person, even in your mind, can break his/her spirit when there’s already so much to deal with,” advises life coach Khyati Birla, who helps clients through crises like these.

Khyati adds that the person who is ill often takes “cues” from the behaviour of the loved one, “This could be in the form of choice of words used or the body language, so always act and look cheerful in the company of the patient. This helps enhance the patient’s willpower to overcome the medical crisis with strength, determination and positivity,” she explains.

Khyati’s point is borne out by theatre star Divya Palat’s experience, where the support of her then boyfriend (and now, husband) Aditya Hitkari helped her overcome acute disseminated encephalomyelitis (an illness that affects the brain), which she was diagnosed with in 2005.

“The left side of my body was completely paralysed. And in the midst of this, Aditya proposed marriage to me in the hospital. If it was another man, I think he would have left me in my state. We were kicked about it, but what was funny was that we didn’t know how to get (me) out of this bed, out of this situation. I was determined to walk down the aisle and put up a fight. The next year, we got married,” she recounts.

Indeed, experts say that this is a time when you can strengthen bonds with your partner by communicating openly. “When you involve your loved one, who is ill, in your day-to-day functioning; when you share what happened during the day with him or her, it’s reassuring for the both of you,” says Dr Sharita Shah, psychiatrist.

And at all times, remember that as a caregiver, you need what Dr Harish Shetty calls “emotional nourishment” too. “An illness is nothing to be ashamed of,” he points out. “Make sure that you too seek support and solace.”