London: I think it is time to put into effect my plan for the re-shaping of the EU. A somewhat scaled-down European Union: Greece wouldn’t be in it, for a start. Nor Portugal or Spain or France or indeed Italy south of a line which I have just drawn on my Times Atlas of the World, stretching east north east from Genoa to Trieste. And even that northern bit of Italy is there on the understanding that they will take their orders from the Germans in the new capital of Bolzano.
The European Parliament will be abolished. My new EU would employ a staff of about 18 people in total, costing each member state perhaps £10,000 per year. They would reside in a pleasant suite of offices situated in the Holstentor — the beautiful 15th-century gate to the city of Lubeck, in northern Germany. There would be, in addition, representative offices in Groningen, King’s Lynn, Gdansk, Bergen and Novgorod, but these are little more than tourist information centres. This new confederation would consist of 22 or perhaps 24 countries. It would be primarily a trading bloc, although there might be a joint military presence to patrol the borders.
I originally envisaged that it would operate under the acronym “AHWTPLAPOONEP” — the Alliance of Hard-Working, Tax-Paying, Largely Agreeable Protestant or Orthodox Northern European Peoples. But thinking about it now, I do wonder if something a little pithier might not be better. Such as “Hanseatic League”. Incidentally, regarding Luxembourg: if these somewhat questionable people are allowed in, then it is on the condition that they have no representation at the Lubeck head office.
Meanwhile, the peremptorily defenestrated countries can form their own trading bloc — and they may prosper, because we in the north will all need sardines and perhaps feta cheese. They could call themselves “ALCPWSFEUFITDBNEHWP” — the Alliance of Largely Catholic People Who Sleep From Eleven Until Five In The Daytime But Nonetheless Enjoy Huge Welfare Payments. I accept that this is also a cumbersome acronym. An angry and pro-“Lega Nord” friend of mine from Milan has suggested an alternative name for these southern redoubts: “Africa”. But there may be copyright problems.
The Marxist dictum that the base (economics) determines the superstructure (everything else) never really did it for me. It always occurred that the local culture determined the economy of a country. I would point you to Malaysia for evidence of this; despite 50 years of “progressive” legislation, it is still the Chinese who occupy the top places in the Forbes 100 list and have a larger average income than the Malays.
The Malays are provided every economic advantage by the government, but still finish at the bottom. So it is, with Europe. My objections to Britain’s membership of the EU, back in the 1990s, were not predicated upon the fear that we would lose sovereignty, but that an economic alliance between north and south simply would not work. I would maintain that we in the north of Europe have less in common culturally with Thessaloniki, Palermo and Seville than we do with Singapore or, for that matter, Vladivostok.
Back then, in the early 1990s, I advocated that instead of joining the exchange rate mechanism, preparatory to joining a single European currency, we should bail out of the EU altogether and instead join Nafta. But I overlooked the fact that Nafta has Mexico to deal with. That doesn’t work, either. Although at least there are not Mexican Nafta elected members telling the US and Canada how to run their economies. But I think my more recent idea of a Hanseatic League is better.
The Greeks should not have been invited into the EU and, having been so invited, their arcane financial practices should not have been tolerated by the north of the continent. I think it is fair to say that there was a cultural misunderstanding between the two sides, occasioned by the hubris of a bureaucracy which wished rapidly to extend itself andlooked the other way as the Greeks failed to bear gifts. And the only slightly less southern Portuguese and Italians and Spanish are looking on, thinking: hell, with your levels of debt, just imagine what we can get away with if we decide that we too have had enough of austerity. Of course, it is not called austerity in the north of Europe — north of Trieste the thing is known as prudence: you work hard, you get paid, you submit your taxes, you go back to work and do it all again. A Gradgrindish and grim existence to be sure, you Greeks. You never really wanted that, did you?
By arrangement with the Spectator
