Mark Zuckerberg, in his recent post on Facebook expressing the joy of an expectant father, has also shared how he and his wife had been trying for a baby for a couple of years without success, and with three miscarriages in between.
A miscarriage doesn’t mean end of hope for childless couples but nobody wants it to happen. So, when it does, life becomes a roller coaster ride for both husband and wife. While the issues that women face post miscarriage range from physical to psychological, it affects men too albeit in a different way. In Mark’s words, “You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience.”
Some experts say that the aftermath of a miscarriage is far more demanding for men. “At least women can cry, but men can’t. Though men don’t go through the physical pain like women, it is equally devastating for them. But they are not allowed to express it. And at the same time, they should also be emotionally supportive of their grieving wife,” says Chennai-based gynaecologist Dr Vani Sundarapandian. Abhishek Shukla, a marketing professional from Mumbai, says when his wife miscarried for the first time, he was upset, but not sad. “I cared more about my wife, to make her feel normal. But when it happened the second time, I didn’t know how to take it. I collapsed and didn’t know where to look for solace,” he recalls. Dr Vani says that since 80 per cent of miscarriages are idiopathic (happening for an unknown reason), doctors can’t assure the women that it will be alright when they get pregnant again. “This uncertainty makes the couples very insecure, particularly men. It’s nothing short of how they feel while dealing with infertility issues,” she says.
Mark’s Facebook post has led to a discussion that men should open up more about their feelings. He has insisted that couples shouldn’t withdraw themselves from the society as if they caused the miscarriage. In 2009, Aamir Khan came out and stated on his blog that his wife Kiran had a miscarriage. “Kiran and I lost our baby. Despite our best efforts we were unable to avert a miscarriage. The last two months have been a struggle for us,” he posted. While Dr Vani advocates that doctors have to spend time with couples counselling them, she adds that a good understanding between the couples will help them get over it quickly.
When it happens
Normal gestation is usually about 40 weeks, but if the pregnancy ends prematurely, it’s called an early pregnancy loss up to about week six, a miscarriage up to about week 20, a stillbirth up to about week 37, and a premature birth from then on.
A bad phase
Not just Aamir-Kiran, other bollywood couples who suffered a miscarriage include Shilpa Shetty-Raj Kundra, Ajay Devgn-Kajol and Fardeen Khan-Natasha.
