Enable, don’t control

I remember the passionate romance of a dear friend in college... a fairy tale love story. She was gregarious, had plenty of friends, wore little trendy skirts. He took her to the nightclubs and showed off his sexy girlfriend. Today, they are bitterly divorced. This change is so common in our social set-up that it is almost accepted as the given outcome of permanence in a relationship.

This is a common scenario where a man or woman fall in love with an idiosyncratic, independent, fun person, and then spend the entire relationship trying to transform the person they loved into something else. After having fallen in love with the independence, freedom and liberation of that same spirit, to want to contort and control it is something that can destroy any relationship.

What causes this? How can balance be achieved? If there is a great mismatch that somehow wasn’t understood before committing to each other for life, what are the ways to deal with it? To an extent, it is true that for every relationship there is one leader and decision maker. Although it may be the woman, in India it is more commonly the man who has the dominating streak. In Asia and the Middle East this seems to be, in fact, a cultural trend rather than genetic make-up. And then the very thought of a lonely alternative life for the woman makes decisions more difficult.

Would you not agree that love is not about control and straight-lacing a loved one? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating against change and even some adjustment which both partners in a relationship could do with for a smoother journey. The process of growth entails metamorphosis and developing together as a couple, after all. Having said that, if you think you can better and ‘fix’ the person you love into your idea of right or wrong, you need to first analyse your own self. If you are sure that you’re being objective, go ahead with gentle suggestion and don’t become a nag. If you find that you are being unduly harsh, back off before you lose the relationship altogether. Sooner or later anyone, however timid, plucks up the courage to shake away a control freak.

You cannot take over the life of your partner. It is your desire to create the ‘right’ person, with the ‘correct’ habits. It could be something major or something minor, but to curtail the independence of your partner is unhealthy. There could, of course, be bad habits or addictions that may harm your relationship, but there are smarter ways to work around them too. Subtle suggestion, guiding conversations, friendship and companionship are great winners. Domination, antagonism, badgering and manipulation are not the way to bring change to a difficult situation. For big issues, seeking guidance from professional medical personnel is a way out, not supplanting the professional and assuming the role of doctor, father, priest or cop yourself.

It is my belief that personal space must be respected. You have to understand that you are not always right, and your way is not the only way. If you wish for longevity, you need to allow the person you’re in a relationship with to enhance themselves and you must attempt to be the wind beneath his or her wings. Not the spoke in his or her wheel. So, how will you go about this?

Instead of drawing attention to an annoying habit, try complimenting your partner about something you like, subtly hinting at the bad habit indirectly. A direct ‘attack’ can lead to defensive confrontation. Diplomacy goes a long way in such a scenario.

Also, focus on the many other good traits of your partner and learn to appreciate what they bring to your life by being who they are.