Out of the closet, and in the line of fire

Bangalore: The suicide of 21-year-old  Vamshi Raju, with all his future before him, only because he couldn’t bear to be a “disappointment” to his parents on account of his sexual orientation, has brought home the social stigma people like him have to endure for no fault of theirs  even in a city as progressive as Bangalore.

amshi who was given a scolding by his family for participating in the Pride Rally of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community in the city, was studying to be an engineer. A bright student, he could have gone on to be a good engineer and contributed much to society, but found it hard to carry on owing to his sexuality and lack of acceptance by his family.

If Vamshi took his own life,  others with a different sexual orientation suffer in different ways should their parents prove unsupportive. Take Sana, who  works with a tourism firm, Equation. Not too long ago she was a sex worker. Having to fend for herself after her family refused to accept her sexuality, she found no other job and being a sex worker provided her with money and food to survive.

“I was studying business management but had to give my education mid-way and take up sex work when my parents refused to accept my sexual identity,” she reveals. Lucky for her, her parents have now come around and accepted her for who she is, which has given her her life back.

“I would have done better in life if only my parents had accepted me earlier. For a child, parents are the world. I don’t care about anyone else. I only care how they react to my identity. Not being accepted in your own family can break you completely,” she says. 

Revealing that suicides are not uncommon in the LGBT community  due to lack of  acceptance or harassment by families, she wonders why there is such stigma attached to someone with a different sexual orientation. “If a baby is born physically different from others, the family and  society  accept it and sometimes evenpamper it. What is so wrong with us? Why cannot we be accepted?” she asks.

“When the family does not accept a child who has a different sexual orientation  he or she has nowhere to go. They are left with only two options,  sex work or begging. The first is risky as you can contract deadly diseases and be harassed by goons, while begging strips you of your dignity,” says a representative of Praja Rajyaka Vedike, which works with the LGBT community.

Next: Acceptance, support are basic needs

Acceptance, support are basic needs

While Indian laws and society are beginning to acknowledge people of a different sexual orientation, there is clearly a long way to go before they are fully accepted.

“The priority should be to build acceptance among people. It cannot happen overnight, but the change has to start somewhere. Maybe people should be taught when they are still children about the intricacies of human behaviour and  mind,” suggests Dr K. John Vijay Sagar, associate professor, Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, NIMHANS.

While he believes attitudes need time to change, he underlines that the effort has to be made. “People of a different sexual orientation should be brought into the mainstream and  made to feel welcome and equal. The law gives them the right to be who they are, and society must not become a hindrance,” he adds..

As for the 21-year old engineering student, who took his life, Dr Sagar says its possible that he had gone through some trauma on account of his sexuality in the past too. “His experience within the family and neighbourhood may have haunted him and driven him to end his own life,” he says.

But the effort to stand up for their rights has to come from the LGBT men and women too, say psychiatrists. “When you are different from others and this difference is devalued, it is likely that you will end up feeling bad about yourself.

The negative feeling gradually extends to your entire self and impedes you from growing and developing. It is important that you constantly remind yourself that there is nothing with having sexual preferences different from the majority. If someone does not accept your sexuality it is their problem not yours,” advises  prof of psychiatry, NIMHANS, B.N. Gangadhar.

Ms Molly Jose, a city psychologist, says that while coming out of the closet can be hard, it is necessary for the well-being of those with a different sexual orientation. “Trying to be open about your sexual preference in close circles such as family and friends can be a stressful experience.

Often people take the extreme step of breaking ties with their close circle. But this only leads to feelings of pain, loneliness, rage and guilt on both sides. Although in some cases this is the only option, in many instances it can be avoided.

It is important to stick to your stand and yet at the same time allow people close to you to express their emotions. When people see that your resolve is firm and yet are trying to hear and understand them out of concern, they are likely to deal with their homophobia,” she says.

Next: If your own family does not accept you as you are, then who will?

If your own family does not accept you as you are, then who will?

Akkai Padmashali

It is extremely sad to have lost Vamshi. He was a very friendly person and a bright student. He was part of Sangama and Samara, organisations working for sexual minority rights in Bangalore. His suicide is disappointing.

It is plain insensitivity to a human’s feelings that has led to his suicide. It is also due to lack of awareness on the issue of sexual identity in our society that a family rejects its own child. Many LGBT persons have committed suicide in recent years. Most have been the result of rejection by the family.

If your own family does not accept who you want to be, then who will? Why does the family honour and respectability and conforming to social norms become more important than human dignity and in some cases, human life?

I have gone through this and I understand what Vamshi was going through. My family did not understand and accept that my sexual identity and orientation was different from what they expected it to be. After many years of extreme pain, I came to terms with it with my brother’s support. It is a slow process.

Not allowing people to express their identity and not letting them lead a life of dignity is a violation of human rights. In many cases, when those of a different sexual orientation do not get support within the family, they fall into the wrong hands. They are vulnerable to involvement in illegal activities as they have no moral and financial support.

While the upper class of society, owing to its access to information and education, is more open to the idea of different sexual orientations, the situation is very bad in middle and lower classes. Securing a daily meal is a fight for sexual minorities who come from the working class. Many of them have migrated from small towns and villages to Bangalore over the past few years in search of a better life and an open society.

There is a need to create space for people who don’t conform to social norms of sexuality and to improve the dialogue on this issue within families and at the state level.
We have recommended that the government of Karnataka and the Union government hold public programmes to create awareness on the subject.

—The writer is member of Samara, a sexual minority organisation that addresses HIV-AIDS and human rights issues