Dedicated to my first, memorable crush

I used to have a huge crush on this beautiful woman called Saraswati. I’m really wary of saying that I was completely and madly in love with her. And in the due course of this article, you’ll know why. At that time, all I could think of was her. Considering who she was, I knew that I shouldn’t be having such feelings about her and also that there were many reasons why I shouldn’t be having these feelings. Yet, I couldn’t stop.

I’ve never fallen for a woman in her position before or after, let alone with such a huge difference between us. She was the smartest person I’ve ever met, and she used to talk to me like she thought I was smart too. I used to get real nervous around her for fear of disappointing her; I wanted her to think that I was very clever.

I could listen to her talk for hours. She was warm, kind and had a great sense of humour. I used to love her mouth and her nose and for some odd reason, was obsessed with the space between them on her upper lip. She was much more knowledgeable than me in every possible way and was really, really beautiful.

I often used to find myself trying to think of great questions to ask her regarding her field — partly because I was genuinely interested, but mostly so that I could have her full attention for a while. I used to get butterflies in my stomach whenever I passed her and worked hard to impress her. I began to worry about how much of my thought was consumed with her. Sometimes, I’d even think that perhaps she was interested in me too.

I used to imagine this tension between us sometimes — but I’m 90 per cent sure that this was just me projecting my thoughts onto her and she was trying to be just helpful. Then one day, I came to know that she was married and also had a son my age. Well, she was my Class V Social Studies teacher at St. Mary’s School in Secunderabad. Hey Saraswati ma’am, I haven’t met you for 40 years, but in case you happen to read this article, I just want to tell you that you are the ‘firstest’ woman I loved.