How to be a friend in deed?
A friend’s crisis requires you to respond sensitively. Keep these points in mind
By : DC Correspondent
Update: 2014-05-20 14:19 GMT
A friend’s crisis requires you to respond sensitively. But often, our good intentions can lead us astray. A few simple points to keep in mind:
Accept there will be some craziness
Your friend may ordinarily be the most “put-together” person you know. He or she knows just the right thing to do in any given situation, and she’s always the one you’ve turned to know what the appropriate response is during a difficult time. But here’s the thing, during a personal crisis, no matter what it is: A financial issue or an emotional conflict, an illness or loss — even the most sanguine of individuals is likely to behave in a slightly crazy way. Be prepared for that, and make allowances for what he or she is going through at the moment. There may be outbursts of rage, for example, directed at you just because you happen to be around. Know that you are not the target of your friend’s anger. It is the situation. Staying calm while your friend cools down is the only thing you can do. Your friend will feel remorseful without you having to say anything.
Never say ‘i know exactly how you feel’
There are some things you simply should not say — no matter how close you are to your friend and what your relationship has been though. “I told you so” is one. The other is “I know exactly how you feel”. Experts say that those who’re going through a crisis hear this sentiment the most often — and in almost all cases, the other person usually does not know how the person feels. The chances that you have been through exactly the same situation as your friend are low. And even if you have shared similar life milestones — a parent’s death or a long period of being unemployed — individual experiences of them do vary. What you can say instead is, “Help me understand how you feel about this?” or “Tell me what you think about this situation”. It gives your friend an opening to talk about what’s bothering them and doesn’t make you seem insensitive.
Offer what practical support you can
In our bid to offer emotional support, sometimes, the more practical things you can do to help — like bringing food, or ferrying relatives or offering a place to stay — are overlooked. It does require a sensitive balance though: You don’t want to seem too pushy or take charge of your friend’s family or home without his or her consent, but you do want to make things as easy as possible. One thing you can do is ask what practical help is required. If elderly or little relatives need caring for during certain hours, offer to watch them. if someone is needed to drive to the airport or station, or brew a fresh pot of tea, you can step in. Be careful about offering financial assistance though, as even in the closest of relationships, money can lead to prickly situations.
Don’t just drop out afterwards
While being solicitous can be easy in the immediate time after a crisis, after a few weeks or months, it becomes difficult to stay as sensitive. It is not that you should walk on eggshells around your friend or treat them as fragile whenever you meet them. However, during times like festivals, birthdays or anniversaries — typically times when you tend to feel the most lonely, especially if your crisis has left you without (or far away from) a loved one — do make a special effort. Even a long phone call, spent talking about a happier time, or something that sends out the message that you’re thinking of your friend, is enough to make him or her feel just a little bit better — and a little less lonely.
Help your friend seek the right kind of help
Everyone has their own way of coping with grief, loss and stress. They may require different amounts of time to come to terms with their new situation. And they should definitely be allowed to take that time. But what when your friend shows signs that he or she is unable to cope? How do you decide what is “normal” in the context of his or her crisis and what isn’t. A rule of thumb would be that if you feel that your friend is in any kind of danger — that he or she may cause self-damage, is in danger of being harmed by another or is facing a substance abuse issue, for instance — consult an expert immediately. Another signal to watch out for is if there is any impairment in your friend’s ability to deal with the requirements of his or her daily life. Seek the help and support of family and friends and then consult a professional, if you feel the situation is spiralling out of your control.
Most importantly, do not get sucked into the crisis yourself. Experts advise identifying your own “trigger points” — when your friend’s problems begin to affect you so much that you are depressed or anxious, it is time to take a step back and let someone else take charge.