Saving face
By : lakshmi narayan
Update: 2014-11-13 01:01 GMT
It was meant to be no more than a gentlemanly gesture. There was a nip in the air during the recent Asia Pacific Summit. And during one of the performances put in their honour, Russian President Vladimir Putin wrapped a shawl around Peng Liyuan, wife of Chinese President Xi Jinping. The Chinese could not take it. So far, their President had been portrayed as a sensitive partner, shielding his wife from rain on a state visit, or holding hands tenderly. And here came the proverbial kabab mein haddi, showing up their leader as uncaring while he grabbed all the headlines. This was major loss of face.
To those who are not familiar with Chinese culture, loss of face is the biggest humiliation you can heap on them. When my husband was heading a team of bankers on a project in New York, the onus of finding suitable digs for his colleagues fell on him. He took the seniormost among them a Hong Kong Chinese to see some apartments that has fallen vacant. The gentleman in question wrinkled his nose and said he would rather stay in a hotel. So hubby gave the flat to a guy lower down in the pecking order. All hell broke loose as the stricken Chinese cried out, “How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend. You’ve made me lose face!” “But I showed it to you first.
You didn’t like it,” spluttered hubby. “That was unofficial. You should have made the offer to me in writing. And given it to another only after I declined.” Seeing that he was genuinely distressed, my husband mollified him with much persuasion, promising him a larger, more expensive accommodation to compensate for the “loss of face”. I too learnt the hard way how not to offend Chinese sensibilities. I had been told that however fancy the establishment, I should bargain hard before giving in. There was a particularly lovely pearl necklace that I had seen in one of the jewellery shops. After some really tough haggling I made an offer that was almost half the price.
“You hold on, lah. I check with the boss and let you know,” said the saleswoman, stepping inside a room. She was out within minutes, asking for slightly more than what I had offered. When I stuck to my guns, her attitude hardened. She all but kicked me out, muttering something nasty about Indians.It was only later that I found out my faux pas. Yes, one was supposed to negotiate strenuously. But the last word had to be the owner’s. In order to save face, he would ask for a price that was slightly more than what you proposed. You were supposed to give in gracefully, shake hands and depart. Another time, hubby had been hospitalised with a serious problem.
One of his colleagues landed up with a beautifully printed wedding card, to invite us to the event. The Chinese like the Indians spend a lifetime’s savings on such occasions. I was a little shocked that the man was expecting me to come when my husband was so ill. But the more I declined the more pressing he was that I turn up. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
His Indian friend took me aside on some pretext and ordered me to say I would be delighted to attend, but that he should forgive me in case I was not able to. This would help him save face. Or I might end up insulting him unknowingly. I reluctantly did what I was told and he left, wishing us well, in less than five minutes. There is a story of a Hong Kong businessman who was miffed when the feng shui of his bungalow was damaged when a Singaporean constructed a building in front of it, despite many entreaties.
He bided his time, quietly buying up all the land in Singapore in front of his adversary’s residence. He has now built a huge condo there, completely blocking the view!
If you don’t follow the culture rules, you could be in real trouble as the Chinese tend to remember a slight for life. So all I can say is, watch out Putin, you’ve rubbed the Chinese the wrong way. Unless you make amends soon!
The writer is the author of Bonsai Kitten