Parting ways: Divorces needn’t be bitter battles

It’s difficult to believe that just a while ago, this couple was whispering sweet nothings to each other, and today they spew venom, promising bitter revenge. They cannot stand the sight of each other and I am astounded, trying very hard to make them think rationally. Bitter battles in court will cost you years of wasted trips to courtrooms and lawyers, let alone the monumental amounts of money that it will take, I tell them. But I’m not making any inroads into the blinding rage that glazes both their eyes. Their son holds his head in his hands, torn and conflicted, loving them both, praying that this is just a terrible dream waiting to pass. Sadly, it is reality.

The 32 years they have spent together must have had enough moments of shared laughter, joy, love even, but it all seems obliterated by selective amnesia. Ideally, what would be in the interest of both parties is a peaceful, mechanical settlement if not a reconciliation. What astounds me is that after  years of love and sharing spent together, the goodwill and sacrifice for each other is of no value to either of them. There is only anger and anguish. Why can’t the two of them communicate and talk things out to resolve problems instead? Court battles rendering lawyers rich would not be needed then.

Divorces are by their very nature matters of disharmony. Very often a great deal of bitterness, resentment and even vindictiveness forms a chasm difficult to cross. Another two friends, a once much-in-love couple, spent hours fighting over spoons and dinner serviettes during their divorce proceedings. It sounds amusing, but is just really sad. Can all this be avoided? I definitely hope so. Maybe the answer lies in helping change perspectives. Many times, people close to the warring parties fan dissent instead of calming the sea of hatred that generally follows the decision to part ways.  Surely even a parting can be civil, fair and humane?

I think it is the hurt and betrayal that people can’t let go of — they want to avenge, nullify or simply hold onto it and brood. If they let go of this redundant baggage, fresh prospects would have a chance of becoming clear. There’d be a new horizon, a new sunrise, a new day. But they must want to let go, even seek help if they can’t do it alone. Move on — get a life. It is most important to diffuse the abhorrence and animosity, and resume life with a vision of the future sans worries about who you will share it with now. It is too early to deal with all that. I’d say, for now, regroup, calm yourself and allow your lawyer to negotiate for you. Do not get into the no-win situation of bargain and battle, which is very likely to overwhelm you in this state.

It is now important to view yourself as an individual than as part of a couple, to collect yourself and consciously calm yourself down with activities like meditation and exercise, instead of the vicious cycle of self-blame, anguish, misery, denial, bargaining, rejection and so on. Replace these with acceptance and determination to take on life all over again. A lawyer friend once recounted an amusing anecdote about a client. He had asked her what she really wanted, did she want her husband to be brought to a state of beggary or did she want retribution and that all the money he appropriated from her simply be returned to its rightful place? And she had said to him in response, that they are both the same thing.

The author is a luxury consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal @gmail.com