The ex files: After a break-up do we consciously seek out a new partner

In last week’s Bollywood release, Tanu Weds Manu Returns, a series of hilarious contretemps occur when a man falls for a look-alike of his wife. While you may be tempted to dismiss the situation as one that might occur only in a film, the fact remains that many of us do tend to seek out similar qualities in a new partner, after the break-up of a previous relationship, and especially if the new relationship is one that’s happening on a “rebound”.

“If you’ve just broken up and are immediately looking to get into another relationship, then it is natural that you would look for qualities similar to those of your ex in your new partner as well,” says life coach Devanshi Gandhi, likening the process to one that happens almost by “default”. Falling in love after a failed relationship can be a tricky terrain to negotiate, point out experts. And closure from the split is essential before you are involved with a new partner, so that your current relationship is not negatively coloured by the past.

“Many people get into a rebound relationship very quickly after breaking up, for different reasons. These very rarely click and such relationships are often the cause of much emotional discomfort later on,” says life coach Khyati Birla. “It’s advisable to first gain closure on the past relationship, evaluate the space you’re in, who you are as a person and then see if you find the person who matches you. It’s important to find someone who can deal with you at your lowest ebb and vice-versa for the relationship to really prosper. It’s how you deal with the lowest point in the relationship that makes or breaks the connection,” she cautions.

It isn’t just that you need a certain amount of time to pass before you consider becoming involved again. You also need to engage in a certain amount of reflection and introspection on the nature of your past relationship and what might have made it go awry. In fact, even if you’re not dwelling on it consciously, you are using the “lessons” from your break up to your advantage. Author of The Mind Spa — Ignite Your Inner Life Coach Malti Bhojwani says individuals consciously or unconsciously, do leverage their failed relationships for lessons on personal growth.

“We also become clear on the kind of person we don’t want,” Malti explains. “If your ex was controlling or had other traits that you didn’t like, then you might look for someone who does not have the same attributes. Having said that, we often bring out people’s traits... so what are you bringing out in your partner? You may have heard of an ex who treats her or his new partner in a better or different way than he or she treated you… so look at how you are being treated and behaving.”

Life coach Chetna Mehrotra adds, “(After a relationship breaks down) we grow more, do more inner work, explore our own follies and also know a bit more about whom do we want to now include in our lives. You can now walk with more clarity, with a demystified idea of an ideal partner, more understanding  about relationships and a better  connection.”