No kid-ding around

Do you know what women want most in a guy? It isn’t looks, financial security or even a well-stacked behind —  though the latter does rate pretty high. And if you guessed sense of humour then you, my friend, are as far from the truth as you are from the possibility of getting paired.

What women look for in their ideal man are their unborn children. Now, this might rouse many a vile comment about how women are independent today and aren’t looking for the same things that tethered previous generations to a domestic subsistence. So, to clarify, I’m not talking about women who are out looking for an appetiser. When it comes to mains, this is indeed what they want served on a platter.

This also explains why men with babies are considered so attractive. I’m sure you’ve heard girls gush about how seeing a man holding a child seems to simultaneously bring forth his gentle, caring nature and his macho secure side. Yes, a man with a child may be perfect, save for one thing — he is already spoken for. The child indicates a ‘taken’ tag. No single man would walk about with a perpetual vomiting or pooping device if he can avoid it. I’d sooner take an unpinned grenade for a walk.

When women see a guy with a baby, they know he’s a risk-taker. No matter what the baby throws up, literally, he has the wipes for it. He also has diapers and baby food. But dear ladies, now that we have this figured out, I might just begin to ensure that single men adopt a more tolerant stance towards baby-sitting.

We shall organise classes for single men to be more baby friendly and, that way, more desirable. To show that they are undergoing this training, they will walk around malls on weekends with babies. Just so you don’t mix them up with actual baby-owning males. However, these singles will tie a ribbon around the baby’s foot to signal their singularity. No babies will be harmed or mentally scarred in the process. Let’s just say that they are learning really early to be wingmen and when their time comes, they will have other little wingmen to assist them.

Does this make me sound shallow? Frankly, I’m just trying to unite two sets of people who are looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places. Single women want a single man with settled values, while single men can’t think too far beyond a pending PS4 release.
Stereotypes? Sure, but remember that they only stem from statistics. Which means, when Bryan Adams sang about seeing unborn children in her eyes, he knew something that we are still to accept — babies are the shortest way to a woman’s heart.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine