Unparting your ways

“He wants me back, should I risk it?” asked my school friend Monisha. She was thinking of getting remarried to the man whom she had divorced in a bitter public battle a few years ago. The notion wasn’t something I’ve ever considered plausible. Of course, you have the famous marriage and remarriage of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton who married each other twice, and when Liz grew older she affirmed that had Richard lived, she was sure they would have married again.

To my mind, there are two simple ways of looking at getting back after a broken marriage: One way is to acknowledge that bitterness and temper, if they are behind the divorce, form a pattern that is not easy to change. The second is to understand that once you have made mistakes, parted and lost each other, you may have become more careful about being hurtful and might therefore avoid doing the things that caused the parting in the first place.

The familiarity between partners works both ways — it can be conducive to greater success the second time around or disastrous on account of bad memories that will not go away. It isn’t a matter of one-size-fits-all with cases of successful reunions. If one is very forgiving it is workable, but if one clings to the bitterness and rancour that brought about the divide then it is better to keep going  separate ways. Only when you close one door can you allow others to open, right?

Reuniting with the help of a counsellor is advisable as you are both then equipped with guidance and some mental principles to make things work. You are together in this decision after all.

The notable success rate of reunited relationships is also on account of reasons such as the absence that makes the heart grow fonder, to cite a cliché. Secondly, you went your separate ways and found that the grass on the other side of the hedge is not really greener. You had created the right fit with your spouse and yet you let it go because you took each other for granted. Also, the second time you have more care and respect because you realise that there is a factor at play beyond simple physical attraction — there is a sense of companionship that will stand the test of time. Keeping in mind that there are indeed different strokes for different folks, reuniting with your estranged partner can make for a great comfort zone if you are both open to each other’s views, to listening to each other, empathising with each other,  understanding each other and most of all, to making it work. A large-hearted endeavour to forgive and forget works well.

Having separated, getting back together is a good idea often because of children and also a lot of past investment that endures and makes things conducive to new beginnings. The priority has to be harmony at all costs.

The author is a designer and luxury consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com