Surgeons take umbrage at surgical strikes'

The National Association of Surgeons has recently issued this press release to ‘all concerned’. Your correspondent managed to get hold of an advance copy before it went viral.

“On behalf of The National Association of Surgeons, we wish to bring to the notice of all right thinking Indians, through various sections of the social and conventional media that, we are alarmed at the indiscriminate use of the term ‘surgical strike’, in connection with periodic preemptive actions that our brave jawans have been carrying out across the Line of Control. It has been reliably calculated that, over the past several months, the terms ‘surgical strike’ and ‘surgical operation’ have been employed by the media over a million and a half times across all our news channels – and still counting.
 
To those who may wonder why the surgeons’ fraternity should take umbrage at what appears to be a perfectly acceptable descriptive military terminology, we would like to draw the attention of the public to some disturbing trends seriously affecting our livelihoods.  Ever since the expression ‘surgical strike’ first appeared in the press, or was uttered on our television channels, there has been a precipitous decline in the number of patients opting for any form of surgery, across hospitals in the country. This has had a drastic and adverse impact on the business models of our hospitals, many of whom are now showing negative cash flows in their weekly financial reports. The consequent ‘alarums and excursions’ amongst the medical fraternity over legitimate fears of job losses are leaving doctors and surgeons fretting and fuming.

We were informed by one well known thoracic surgeon, on condition of anonymity, that the performing of surgeries is a very profitable line of business at hospitals, a thriving and healthy revenue stream, with concomitant downstream benefits accruing from countless diagnostic tests prescribed prior to, during and post every surgery. But over the recent weeks, patients are refusing to be operated upon because they claim that our valiant jawans are so thoroughly and successfully executing complicated surgical manoeuvres, that they would rather wait for them to return from the front lines. The prospective patients would thereby be helping our soldiers to set up small surgical units across the country, thus aiding millions of patients, and providing our brave hearts with a much deserved avenue of employment, which could grow into a thriving and lucrative cottage industry.

The patients will not be convinced that the defence establishment looks after our jawans extremely well, and that they are in no need of an alternative source of employment. For all we know, it may even be against army regulations. Meanwhile, the sight of empty beds in hospitals is filling our medical practitioners with deep despair, many of whom are being treated for chronic depression. We would therefore urge the Government and its spokespersons to refrain from using the term ‘surgical strike’ or similar expressions and look for less harmful options. We have a few suggestions of our own. ‘Precision strikes’, ‘strategic blows’ and ‘targeted attacks’, should suffice to be getting along with for the time being. ‘Hit the target like a tracer bullet’, may also be considered though it is a bit of a mouthful, and copyright clearance from international cricket commentator Mr. Ravi Shastri might be required. We have no wish to inadvertently become embroiled in a ‘Nation wants to know’ kind of imbroglio.

We trust the Government will take due note of our concerns, and instruct the Ministry of Defence and all other concerned departments to eschew the word ‘surgical’ from all forms of communication, with immediate effect. We, the surgeons of India will forever be indebted to the Government of India if this can be done, as our very existence is at stake.”

This correspondent has no information as to how the Government has responded, if at all, to this impassioned appeal from the Surgeons’ Association.

The Ministry of Health has been conspicuous by its silence, and all attempts to contact their spokesperson have proved fruitless. Nevertheless we thought we should get a couple of sound bytes, one each from the patients’ side and the other from the army.

We first spoke to a gentleman, one Mr. Kedar Jhunjhunwala, a scrap iron dealer from Sowcarpet in Chennai, who had just sustained multiple fractures of the legs and hip joints, owing to an unfortunate road accident. Apparently, he was standing on a pavement near Parry’s Corner, unmindfully speaking on his mobile phone with his stockbroker, when a speeding Central Station bound mini bus recklessly mowed him down. However, Mr. Jhunjhunwala stubbornly refused to be admitted to a hospital for treatment.

“I would rather be a complete cripple and suffer excruciating pain than to get myself admitted to a fleecing hospital. I would prefer to pay a decent wage to our brave, returning jawans, who appear to be far more adept at surgical operations, and will, by all accounts, perform my hip replacement surgery for a song.” Of course, the good man said all this in a polyglot amalgam of Hindi, pidgin Tamil and Marwari-English patois, which we have loosely translated into everyday English.

And what about our stoic jawans? What do they have to say about this newfound halo surrounding their surgical skills? Here’s how Subedar Lance Corporal Naik of the 7th Battalion rather pithily put it. “I have been conducting so many fatal operations recently on the enemy, that I would greatly welcome the opportunity to perform some healing surgical strikes on my fellow countrymen and women. And having a pleasant nurse or two to assist me at the operating theatre is a luxury I did not enjoy at the conflict theatre, while striking the Hun with surgical precision. Scalpel?”

Educated man, with a nice turn of phrase, our Lance Corporal.
 
(The author is a brand consultant with an interest in music, cricket and good humour)