Workout with a gym rat!

Gyms are no longer the domain of uber health freaks that spend hours toning up their already taut muscles. Nor are they only frequented by grossly overweight folks desperate to melt those fat deposits. Today, the focus has shifted from your friendly neighbourhood gym to a more elitist franchise — where you may or may not drop weight but will certainly drop names! And for avid people watchers, this is just the perfect ambience to get your daily fix of the human variations.

Desperate Housewives: These are the ladies who plan their lunch as they lethargically pedal on the exer-cycyle. Their eyes are focused on their equally weary pal, who joins them on a gym date. And if you happen to be caught working out right next to these ladies, you will be privy to some serious dirty linen being washed — from annoying hubbies to bawling babies or moody teenagers and manipulative mother-in-laws. Half way through their workout, they have abandoned the idea of pedaling and are more concerned about offloading their emotions rather than their excessive weight.  And you will hear them whine, “I’m not losing any weight ya.” Now how does one tell them to exercise their bodies instead of their mouths? Dealing tactics: The best thing to do is fill your ears with cotton or maybe up the volume on your ear pod or you will end up with a splitting headache by the time they are done jabbering.

Attention seekers: These are the loudmouthed ladies and men, who announce their arrival even before they have entered the work out zone. They will call out to the hapless helper boy in their most authoritarian tone and demand that imaginary dust be wiped off the machines. The male species make even the most well-built trainers submissive with their bullying tactics. They will scan the room, seeking the attention of everyone and make silly remarks that only they find funny. The women walk in with a strong whiff of  fragrance and heavily painted faces at 8 am. They will speak in strangely accented English and are always in a rush, loudly announcing to no one in particular, they have a flight to catch to some fancy destination. Dealing tactics: Request for the in-house music volume to be increased to an all time high just to drown out their annoying voices.

Wannabe yuppies: They will sprint into the gym with angry expressions and are seen barking instructions into their phones. It appears like they are running a mega industry, when in reality they may well be mid-level managers projecting the “I’m so important” vibe to anybody who cares to observe. They will disrupt group exercise classes with their annoyingly loud ring tones and in a farcically apologetic voice will announce (bang in the middle of a yoga asana) “Oh I have to take this call.” Makes you wonder, why they even bother joining classes. Dealing tactics: You can’t really ban them, so request politely but firmly to keep their conversational volume down.    

Coochie cooing couples: It appeals that these poor souls have no homes to romance and prefer to indulge in PDA. So their love is out there for the entire gym to witness. They will walk into together, pretend to work out but are more into exchanging notes and selfies. Clearly, the gym is just a dating arena and you will find them seeking cozy corners. They will always be dressed in a trendy workout wear and the focus is their partner, not the machine. Dealing tactics: They are harmless, so best to ignore them.

Workout-holics: This is the best breed to work out with. They are totally focused on their training, do not communicate with anybody. You will find them burning calories by pedaling away furiously or contouring their bodies into shape with fierce concentration. They will not waste anytime chatting with you or exchanging pleasantries and it will be a rare lucky day when they actually look at you and smile. Don’t make the mistake of distracting them or they are most likely to glare or growl at you.  Learning tactics: Follow them and you will surely get into ship shape soon.