Agony Ashley: Low-fun’s better than hi-fun

QI keep getting asked on grindr and other apps whether I am interested in hi-fun. What is this hi-fun?
— Nikhil, Bangalore

They are referring to drugs, beta, usually a cocktail of chemicals, sometimes just poppers, sometimes MDMA, sometimes harder stuff like cocaine. I would suggest staying away from them, for several reasons. Usually, they are out of their minds, have not slept in days and are horny as hell, which means they have already practiced lots of unsafe sex. They can also be violent, disrespectful of others, of space, of anything, usually unwashed and with bad breath. I would say stick to low-fun and ask if people are looking for low-fun. Down low, things are so much better.

QI am asexual or maybe demisexual but not really interested in sex at all. How do I make people understand that?
— Angana, Mumbai

Darling, there is no such thing as asexual in my vocabulary and even I know (despite my hatred for all 79 and counting US genders online) that you cannot be asexual and demisexual at the same time. An asexual, apparently, feels no sexual desire and a demisexual feels sexual desire only if there is an emotional connection. Whatever. I say this: if you are not interested in someone and h/she persists, b****slap him. That’s all.