Happily unmarried: Dynamics of marriage and relationships in metros

In a recent interview, Bollywood actor Purab Kohli spoke about his love child Inaya, with girlfriend Lucy Paton. He stated that he waited for his daughter to be born to plan his wedding, since he didn’t want their baby to feel that they got into a relationship because of an obligation, or societal pressure — or what is popularly known as a shotgun wedding. On that note, we notice couples in the metros are getting rid of the age-old notion of marriage and trying to redefine the possibilities of relationships. Young writers and web content creators are also translating the phenomena in its true spirit — a reason why shows like Permanent Roommates and, more recently, Little Things have found such resonance among the youth.

Noted psychotherapist and life coach Khyati Birla thinks it’s the shift across the globe that’s acting as a catalyst for such changes. “With the boom of nuclear families, people are no longer masking their marital problems like they used to earlier on,” she says. Trying to gauge the significance of the shift, she adds, “Couples, especially in the metros, are okay with experimenting. They want to be sure before they make a commitment. So, live-in is a stepping-stone towards marriage. It’s a non-traditional route to the tradition,” she adds.

Mugdha Godse, who is in a live-in relationship herself, throws some light on the issue from a personal perspective. “I think live-in relationships are healthy because one should get married only when they want to and not because they are under immense societal pressure. For people who have been with their partners for a period of time, they are already married in their heads, for them then marriage is just a legal bond and nothing else,” she explains.

While praising Purab’s stance, Patralekha of CityLights fame offers her own insight. Although she herself has never been pressurised by her parents, she has seen her friends falling under the pressure. “I come from a matriarchal background and the kind of support I have got from parents makes me confident. However, I see my friends getting pressurised by their parents for marriage.” She is of the opinion that it is women empowerment that is slowly changing the dynamics of relationships, especially the institution of marriage. “I can’t say for India as a whole, but in metro cities, yes, the relationship dynamic is changing. The biggest factor is that women are earning for themselves and aren’t answerable to anyone,” she explains.

Mugdha however, questions whether society would have lauded Purab’s decision, had he been a woman. “I have seen men taking these steps. But I haven’t seen a single woman or a single mother who has a child out of wedlock go ahead with the decision of staying unmarried. I wonder how things will turn out if that happens,” she wonders.

Sameer Saxena is one of the creators of Permanent Roommates, a web series on a couple living in together in Mumbai, which struck a chord with the youth audience. Speaking on the disparity he says, “A large part of the society is still conservative and live-in relationships is only just a phenomenon of the metro cities. And there are couples living together whose parents have no clue that they are residing together.”

Biswapati Sarkar, also from the Permanent Roommates team, says that while the idea of relationships has remained the same at its core, it is the societal trappings around it that have been reduced. “Live in relationships are no longer looked as immoral, but more as a personal choice,” he says.

According to Mithila Palkar, who has won over the youth with her role in Little Things, praises live-in relationships, saying that it is a commitment in every way, except on paper. “Live-ins have a certain kind of freedom to offer, discounting the impositions of a marriage. A live-in is the kind of marriage that isn’t on paper. It is a commitment that doesn’t need be proven by law. And it is a healthy way of being part of a relationship,” she says.