The mean mother-in-law, Ghar ghar ki kahani!

When Ankita Khanna, a public relations professional, got married to her boyfriend of five years after a long tussle with her parents, she felt it was like a battle won. Little did she know that she had a war to face with her mother-in-law (MIL). “My MIL was so possessive of her son, my husband Mukul. She told me clearly that I was expected to help in the kitchen, and I was given the duty of making rotis every day. And since I am working, I had to still work in the kitchen after I returned no matter what the time was. My MIL never asked Mukul to do anything and when I tried to question her she dismissed me saying he was a ‘boy’. Mukul was also veering towards asking me to adjust. Eventually, I gave Mukul an ultimatum that we either change things at home or move out and he finally chose the latter. Else, I am sure we would have been divorced by now.”

Control factor
Sheetal Shaparia, Life Coach says, “compatibility issues with in-laws, especially between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law has been a major concern for most women. A woman is always expected to only serve and prioritize her husband and children in all aspects, especially in India. Many fail to understand that women can and should think about themselves and take a stand for themselves.”
A major reason behind controlling mother-in-laws is the growing insecurity of another woman coming into her son’s life.

The need to conform?
Anuja Kulkarni, Consultant Psychologist, Co-founder, Jidnyasa Assessment and Counselling asks, “Are we not conditioned as family members that the mother is the one who always compromises? And one moment where she wishes to think about herself, everyone challenges the act. Most of the MILs, have faced stringent behavioral expectancies, sacrifices by society. Today, when they see DIL not facing any of them, it unconsciously triggers their pain.  DIL on the other hand, being totally alien to this oppression and pain, finds it difficult to take it and fails to empathize with MIL.”

Balancing Act
There are some mothers-in law who are understanding. They support them and teach them norms that they might not be aware of. The generation gap between the individuals and the difference in expression of emotions, style of verbal expression may cause a clash between both. A necessary ‘teething period’ is required for any relationship to flourish.

Dr. Chandni Tugnait, a psychotherapist, life and business coach, and founder-director of Gateway of Healing says, “just like every other relationship, the one between mom-in-law and daughter-in-law, has its share of ups and downs. Often, it is the underlying insecurity for attention and other resources that causes friction between the two main ladies of the house. Some of the patterns and behaviors are unconscious. Layers of such unconscious patterns keep adding up until one of the two voices out their displeasure and that’s when all hell breaks loose.” Even the men and kids in the house get caught up in the tension at home.

Banish Negativity
No relationship can be developed healthily when surrounded with so much negative tension and constant stress. “Not letting any opportunity go for getting back at each other all the time, keeping a tab on the wrongdoings, will not give way for a healthy relationship to develop. This would further affect the values of the relationship and respect of the relationship will be lost. There was a viral video where a mother-in-law was correcting the saree of her daughter in law; and from personally known experiences MILs have been seen to be supportive of modern dress code of their daughter in laws and advocating the work life of daughter in laws,” says Ambika Chawala, Clinical Psychologist at Kaleidoscope a unit of Dr. Bakshi’s Healthcare.