Reflections: Holy cow! And other hair raising tales

You never quite know what you will come across these days as you scan your daily newspaper. The other day, tucked away in one of the inside pages, was this startling headline, ‘Man arrested for having sex with a cow’. Apparently this bizarre incident occurred somewhere in the vicinity of Dehra Dun, and the poor, misbegotten young man was hauled off to the nearest police station for an inquisition. The press report was brief and did not dwell on the sordid details of the sleazy misadventure. The luckless deviant would have been hard pressed to find an appropriate defence against the cops’ grilling. Clearly, the provisions of Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (committing an unnatural act against the order of nature), was a closed book to this wayward stud.

Though details of the custodial interrogation were not made public, an inquisitive fly on the wall did let slip that, on being asked why he chose the holy cow, of all creatures, to satisfy his base urges, the poor sod replied laconically that his pet dog was sick with the proverbial headache! Make of that what you will, but I think the man is more to be pitied than censured, and should properly be cosseted in the tender, loving care of a psychiatrist, and not being beaten to a pulp by vengeful cops. Incidentally, the cow whose modesty was so shockingly outraged, was not available for comment. Last seen, she was spotted serenely chewing the cud with her mates, with a strangely beatific look on her face.

Now here’s the thing. If inflicting one’s unwanted carnal attentions on an innocent bovine creature makes you wonder if creating Man was the best God (or whoever) could do by way of enriching our planet, one has to reluctantly conclude that the Almighty was clearly having one of His off days. One of several. If anything, this sex starved, demented village idiot is probably one of God’s less catastrophic creations. He clearly surpassed himself when He gave us Hitler, Mussolini, Idi Amin, Osama bin Laden, all the World Wars, rampant hunger and disease, and irritable bowel syndrome. And that is barely scratching the surface. Doubtless He had His reasons. They say God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. It is a mystery wrapped in a riddle covered in an enigma. Takes some unravelling. 

Elsewhere in our amazing country, can’t recall the precise location, a man walked into the nearest police station, calmly placed a blood stained bag on the inspector’s table, and lifted out of the bag by its hair, his wife’s severed head. Nasty shock it was for the poor station inspector, who was violently sick all over his files. The man who brought in this grisly offering, was of the strong, silent type. Not having had the benefit of a finishing school education, he had to be persuaded gently with some electric shock therapy. Excruciating pain finally prodded him to give speech. He admitted to having performed the neat decapitation. On being pressed for reasons for this extreme act, the butcher ( unsurprisingly he was one by profession) quietly stated that the chicken curry and rice his wife had prepared was ten days old, was clearly off and unfit for human consumption. And he had given her three warnings. Fair’s fair.

I put it to you, dear reader, what would any reasonable butcher be expected to do in such trying circumstances? That is the point this abattoir runner made so tellingly. Quite right too! The cheek of that woman, serving her husband inedible, rancid food, with all manner of chopping implements lying around their humble abode. She had it coming. ‘Off with her head’, in the words of one of Shakespeare’s royal sadists. The cops were flummoxed, and when the inspector had sufficiently recovered from the shock of staring at a head without the customary body accompanying it, ordered this head-slicer to be put away behind bars pending trial. ‘Why could I not have taken up a job in the Railways?’ wailed the poor inspector. One sees his point.

Now we’re getting reports of a mystery ‘braid cutter’, who goes around cutting braids of women and girls, just for a lark, usually in the dead of night. If the stories are to be believed, this unwelcome, and not very competent, pretend-barber first attacked girls somewhere near Agra.

 An old woman, seen scarpering from the scene, was nabbed and done to death by the local goons, suspecting her to be a witch with a propensity for hair cutting. Turns out the unfortunate woman was just hurrying to a nearby wheat field to answer nature’s call. Other copycat braid snippers have picked up on this and the women of our nation are not getting their peaceful 8 hours slumber for fear of losing their precious locks. Anxious mothers, cajoling their recalcitrant babies to sleep murmur, ‘Go to sleep my darling, or the braid cutter will be here with his pair of scissors’.

As we go to press, an IAS officer’s daughter in Chandigarh is allegedly stalked by a political bigwig’s son, whose intentions were clearly not honourable. The television channels are feasting over this incident, and going berserk all day and night. And the articulate, ‘victimised’ girl is now an overnight celebrity. To quote Frank Sinatra’s ironic song title ‘That's life’.

Postscript - We are receiving reports from a village not far from Dehra Dun that a cow gave birth to a baby calf with a face remarkably resembling that of a male human being. The villagers hail this as a miracle birth and the calf is being worshipped as a divine avatar. Reports from the local vet indicate cow and calf/child are doing well.