Fire away, Anoushka Sharma

Why on earth do we Indians have such a misplaced sense of priorities and why oh why do we pompously defend the indefensible on social media? At the risk of offending cricket fans, I have to say that Virat Kohli's best shot was when he posted Anoushka Sharma's well-intentioned, civic-minded advice to the litter lout, Arhhan Singh. Very few of us have the guts to confront litterers for fear of being physically or verbally abused; the few public-spirited conscience keepers who have the energy and drive to wag a reproving forefinger often face a hostile response with another digit, but I digress.

Here is Arhhan Singh's response: "Disclaimer: i have no desire to gain any mileage from this post of mine...Horrible! So I happened to carelessly Litter a sq mm of plastic while driving ! A car passing by rolls their window down and there we have our wonderful AnushkaSharma ranting and yelling like a crazy roadside person! While I'm apologetic for my carelessness, a little etiquette and politeness in ur dialogue wouldn't have made u a lesser star !! There are all kinds of manners and hygiene .. verbal etiquette is one of them !

The garbage that mistakenly went out of the window of my luxury car... Was way less then the garbage that came out from your mouth... From ur luxury car's window... Or the trashy mind Viratkohli to shoot annd post this online... For whatever gains...
Now thats some SERIOUS TRASH!!!" 

Clearly breeding is to blame, since his mummy stepped up to the plate to defend her little darling on Instagram,:"As a mother,I would like to state that you have not only shamed my son @arhhansingh on social media by not blurring his face, but youve also exposed him to unwanted hostility.... and danger from fanatics for such a small thing that you claim he has done but have no proof of anyways ? I am concerned about my sons SAFTEY !!!"

Personally I think she should be prosecuted for lowering "saftey (sic) standards" in spelling and grammar; my class teacher Xavier would have given her a "good kicking and abusing". And why pray, does he spell his name with so many aitches? Hashtag?

Perhaps the creative solution is to come up with snappy dialogue when confronted with belligerent boors and since I've been spending time with filmmakers, here are some practical solutions should you be overcome by the civic urge.

1. Scenario: Snooty Prada-bag lady wearing fake Gucci sunglasses with Pomeranian dog in tow who has just taken a dump on your doorstep (the dog, I mean, not the lady).

Action: Sweep up the mess in a swank carry bag and run after her panting, 'Excuse me madam, I think you just dropped your purse.' 

2. Scenario: Well-dressed gent peeing on your compound wall.

Action:  Run up to him and breathlessly announce, 'Aiyyo guru, this wall is electrified, finish soon because power cut is there but current will come on any minute now.'

3. Designer-clad, SUV-driving millennial who rips ahead of you on the parking ramp, cuts you off and parks in the only remaining slot with a satisfied smirk.

Action: Pay loitering urchin to deflate his tyres.

4. Strap hanger with Elvis style pelvic thrust attempting to use the swaying, rocking motion of Namma Metro to Malleswaram to give you his very own version of 'Locomotive (bad) Breath.'

Action: Press Whoopee cushion hard to produce loud jackfruit diet after- effects, then turn round and glare at Locomotive Lothario. By now the whole compartment will be staring at him and you can choose this moment to sweep majestically forward.

5. Hunky honker who is too lazy to ring the doorbell but keeps blowing his musical horn loudly to summon your neighbour. 

Action: Creep up silently behind him, wait for the psychological moment when he is rearranging his hair in the mirror and then grip his ear firmly and say, 'There is a sleeping baby at home and if he wakes up, you're going to come in and put him back to sleep.' He may get out and punch you in the nose, but what the hell, you've had your say, made your point and that's what life is all about, isn't it?

Even if you only fantasize about doing stuff like this, it helps alleviate the tedium of the daily commute and as the Boy Scouts say: Be prepared.  Like this guy who was speeding and trying to out-run the highway patrol.  When they caught him the cop said, 'Ok buddy, gimme a good excuse and I'll let you off with a warning.' The guy thought for a while and said, 'Officer, I'll be honest. Last month my wife ran away with a cop and I thought you were coming to give her back.'