On the contrary: Play 'Bed of Roses' DJ

I  read with a  growing sense of dismay that Bengaluru's largest lung space, Cubbon Park, is in for a major makeover. No, we're not importing a California redwood or planting the sacred fig, neem, banyan (Ficusbenghalensis), Indian blackberry , Banni (Prosopis cineraria) or the Bael (Aeglemarmelos) to name just a few of the common sacred tree species found in Bangalore. Instead we are getting 120 CCTV cameras which will be used to keep a close watch on the criminals that plague our society: I refer not to rowdies but to the serious evildoers found romancing on the park benches. Enjoy maadi guru, but know that Anna is watching you, as George Orwell may have said had he been a Kannada speaker.

At first I thought the local rag was attempting a spoof but on closer reading I realized that the government meant business. Apparently when Anna, the big brother assigned to scanning the CCTV feed at the centralised monitoring centre (CMC), finds a lovebird applying the lessons learnt in "Birds & Bees I", he will hit the pause button on his console stopping the music being played over the 200 odd loudspeakers powering the 197-acre estate. Anna will then deliver a stern warning to the amorous couple: "Either keep your distance or leave the park" complete with echo effects. What a brilliant use of tax-payer resources: the Horticulture Department must be flush with funds and can surely find gainful employment for some of my near and dear.

I plan to get in touch with the PA of S.S.Mallikarjun, Karnataka's horticulture minister who calls the shots in coordinating the upgrade which includes 700 Led lights and artistic landscaping, which for some reason he described as "landscraping." Backscratching I understand but 'landscraping' has me baffled. I am equally mystified by the horticulture department's decision to encroach on what surely is the home department's preserve… how have things come to this pretty pass?

Apparently horticulture officials have been besieged with complaints of indecent behaviour in public."Cubbon Park is Bengaluru's pride," says techie Nandini Reddy, who is irked by couples romancing at every nook and cranny. "Every family likes to include Cubbon Park on their itinerary. But if you have kids with you, you have to close their eyes because there are couples canoodling everywhere. I think the Horticulture Department is right in coming up with this," she adds. I too played Blindman's Bluff as a child but my parents sensibly abstained from MsReddy's method thanks to their overriding concern that a child running around a park with his eyes closed risked serious injury.

Some bravehearts feel that surveillance will benefit their own safety. "Cubbon Park is a huge space. Couples who go looking for secluded spots in the park sometimes risk getting targeted by criminals. We've had so many instances in which thugs have tried to take advantage of such couples," said Raju K, a regular at the park. Your concern is touching Rajanna: perhaps you can head the PSF,(Park Security Force)? We can offer you an i-phone with an alarm feature.

"We are not making them (young couples) unhappy. They can sit, talk and go," Mahantesh Murgod, Deputy Director of Horticulture Department told a local TV channel."But some people behave indecently, and other walkers do complain," he added.On what exactly constitutes indecent behavior, Shri Murgod maintained a discreet silence; perhaps Anna who is in charge of watching the camera footage at the monitoring centre will 'take a call," as they say in the corridors of power.

My only concern is that Anna, being a man, will be unable to see the big picture: what this sensitive job calls for is a light touch, someone with feminine intellectual ability, professionalism and snooping skills. Which is why I am drafting an application for my Aunt E who has acquired this domain knowledge in abundance thanks to a lifetime spent minding other people's business.

The only glitch is the music console: Aunty is quite hep and clued in to canoodling and though I love her dearly I have to admit her DJ'ing skills are non-existent. However she's a quick learner and I am hoping to get my buddies DJ Ivan and Jasmeet to step up to the plate and give her a crash course in EDM with a sidebar in rap. If this fails, she can be put in charge of the 2.5 cr budget for the European garden: the last time she was in Versailles Aunty was so incensed over the quality of the roses that she boxed the head gardener's ears.