The Egg vs Kylie Jenner on Instagram

Writing for the New York Times, a gentleman by the name of Daniel Victor arrested my attention with these opening lines. ‘Please don’t expect any of the following to make sense. But on Sunday night, a photo of an egg, orange and lightly freckled, beat out Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement as the most liked Instagram ever.’ Daniel (I feel I am on first name terms with him) then goes on to ask rhetorically if this earth shattering social media event was caused by the said egg being encrusted with diamonds, or does it have a popular YouTube channel or, as is quite probable these days, is a sexy celebrity holding the egg aloft? Perhaps an advert for the World Egg Marketing Board? The short answer to all those questions is, ‘None of the above.’ The egg is the egg is the egg. As in ‘A rose is a rose is a rose.’ Fried, boiled, poached, scrambled, omelletted, egg-nogged, in fact all the everyday avatars of the common or garden egg we have come to know and love and consume for our daily nourishment.

My own flirtations with social media are largely limited to posting my articles weekly on Twitter and Facebook, and scouring vainly for ‘likes’ and hopefully, some encouraging comments. I do not engage in debate and discussion on issues, unless something really stirs me up. So while the egg revelation of record breaking proportions on Instagram aroused my curiosity, it being compared favourably with Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement had me foxed. Primarily because I hadn’t the faintest who this Kylie Jenner was. Thus I needed to visit God Google to ascertain if someone called Kylie Jenner was recently born, creating much merriment and excitement on Instagram, or did this mysterious Jenner actually give birth to a child? My friend, the journalist Daniel Victor was less than clear on the subject. Having made a brief reference to Kylie, comparing her unfavourably with the humble egg, he consigned her to the dustbin. It was all about the egg, the whole egg and nothing but the egg. As I word process this piece, the egg’s 39 million ‘likes’ is playing Kylie Jenner’s 18 million. Game over. Egg on Kylie’s face.

On then, to my discovery of Ms. Kylie Jenner. She is described by Wikipedia as an American reality television star, model, entrepreneur, socialite and social media personality. She is also the founder and owner of a cosmetic company called, naturally, Kylie Cosmetics. In other words, the whole package and I bow my head in shame for never having heard of her.

The person who set out, so successfully, to demolish Ms. Jenner’s pre-eminent position as the most ‘liked’ Instagram personality is a complete unknown, stoutly refusing to reveal his or her identity. All we know is that this person (or persons) unknown thought up of this unique ruse, just for the heck of it, to do something to unseat the glamorous Jenner from her perch as the queen of Instagram. It’s almost as if (s)he was bored sitting at home one Sunday afternoon, and came up with this crazy scheme to amuse him(her)self and, in the process, shatter a few world records. Apparently, Ms. Jenner was so incensed by this unexpected attack on her numero uno status that she took it out on a brown egg, frying it to a burnt crisp outside her home on a pavement. Passersby clearly heard her hissing at the frying pan, shrieking, ‘Take that, you miserable little egg.’ Would that constitute wanton cruelty to an unborn chicken? Something for the Egg Marketing Board to ponder. Meanwhile, the vino is flowing freely at the re
sidence of this unknown Instagrammer, with book and television offers pouring in through the front door.

This shy recluse posted thus on social media on the Egg vs Kylie Jenner dust up. ‘I thought it would be an interesting experiment to try and beat the record with something as basic as possible, which led to my deciding on the egg.’ The person behind the egg stunt then decides to intellectualise the issue. ‘I guess it’s also a comment on celebrity culture and how fragile and easily cracked it is (pun intended). But really I just thought it would be funny if something as simple as an egg could take the crown.’ How Kylie Jenner reacted to this last comment I do not know, but it wouldn’t at all surprise me if she decided to turn totally vegetarian. Perhaps vegan, even.

As the anonymous perpetrator of this record breaking egg brouhaha was not available for a face to face interview, and Kylie Jenner couldn’t face the world after being so roundly and Instagramatically beaten like an egg, we are left with no option but to speak to the hero of moment, Egbert the Egg.

Question:   ‘Egbert, hearty congratulations on shattering the Instagram record. First reactions?’

Egbert the Egg: ‘Cracked me up. My commiserations to Kylie, she put up a brave fight. In the end, she was scrambling around for an answer.’

Q: ‘Scrambling eh? And cracked you up. You are in top form. It was an overwhelming victory.’

E the E: ‘Yeah, 39 million whips 18 million. A no contest. By the way, who wrote the book Great Eggspectaions? Give up? Charles Chickens. Ha ha!’

Q: ‘That was awful. Please be serious. What made your nameless Godfather think of you for the Instagram stakes? He could have considered an apple.’

E the E: ‘Ah but there are few apple jokes. That Garden of Eden stuff is so unfunny. Hang on, I can feel another one coming on. Man at a restaurant - ‘Waiter, this egg is rotten.’ Waiter - ‘Sorry Sir, I only laid the table.’

Q: ‘This is sick. Last question. How are you handling fame?’

E the E: ‘My fame is my fortune. Here’s one for the road. Why don’t dinosaurs lay eggs? Because they’re eggstinct, silly.’

Gross. No wonder Humpty Dumpty, the anthropomorphic egg, had such a great fall. Poetic justice, literally!

(The author is a brand consultant with an interest in music, cricket, humour and satire)