On the contrary: Belthangady Betrayals and Betrothals

“I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born," is a quote attributed to Reagan but I remember reading it in MAD magazine when Ronnie was still making B-movies, not spouting voodoo economic theories or sharing Star Wars fantasies with Thatcher.

The abortion mind-set is scarily similar to the current immigration debate in the US: several Republicans from our NRI community seem tone deaf to the irony of supporting Trump's travel ban.

"The ink has barely dried on the passports of those most in favour of drastic immigration curbs..." And for those huddled masses with no jobs and fewer prospects: the only option seems to be shaadi.com with Trump jugaad.

But it's not all smooth sailing for our desi Romeos since the path to true love is strewn with unfeeling bureaucrats. Forget about 'convincing mama-papa' or 'giving up the gori to save a dying nani's life'; there is also the Immigration Service a la Trump to contend with. 

Filled with the corrosive cynicism a packrat would envy, these agents coming sniffing around the moment one of our geeks falls for a gori. It's no use quoting Bollywood or swearing eternal love: show me material proof as in 'diamonds or down payment on a condo', is the peremptory demand. Mmm-materially, I'm a material girl, as Madonna may have said. In the Gulf, however, romance is viewed somewhat differently.

Maybe it's because we have high-minded IFS men who ignore the sordid aspects when sanctioning marriage. To prevent unsavoury characters from leading innocent young virgins astray, the Church has a practice of 'proclaiming the banns'.

Names and addresses of aspirants are displayed on the parish notice board calling on good Christians to file objections to the proposed union and this has evidently inspired our Man in Riyadh.  It matters little if our maids are beaten, our nurses molested and our oil import bill is soaring. At least we know that our boys are playing with a straight bat, thanks to the untiring efforts of our diplomats, as this advertisement in the Riyadh Times will attest.

Mr. Lakshmisha A. Shetty ( Ujire Post, Belthangady Taluq) is getting married in Saudi Arabia, Riyadh to Phillipina girl. Name: Gilda G. Mendoza. Nationality: Phillipine, Company: Moda_Afoc-Yoo-CO. Position(!):Dietician. If anybody having objection to this marriage, write to Embassy of India within 60 days with full details.

This hoary bromide was printed below photographs of the happy couple, though if I were Gilda, I'd have sued the photographer or the orthodontist for focusing on that pronounced overbite and that daunting set of teeth. One doesn't know how many "likes" or "dislikes" were generated for our heroic High Commissioner in Riyadh. But just in case he's been going for camel races or drinking Saudi champagne instead of attending to his prenuptial obligations, here is my advice.
Dear Ambassador (Romance and Marriage Section), India Embassy, Riyadh.

Lucky I am seeing your notice about our boy Lakshmisha, living only ten house from where myself is put up. Otherwise, God only know what happening, Sir. How many times I took swear and God promise from that loafer before going Gulf to never marry foreigner?

That too Phillipina,  Aiyyo Rama, chee, chee. Putting big, big words like 'dietician' but he can't fool me. Taluq office Manjunath is telling that all these Filipina girls are ayahs only. Or working in karaoke bar and giving massage as sideline. Don't think you can pull wool over eyes here in Belthangady. It is small village, but myself is first having Star TV.

Why this foolish can't wait for vacation and see many choice in South Kanara? Aiyo, daily myself is getting 40-50 calls. Our girls are best in East and West. You look Aishwarya Rai, if you think I am telling lie. For Shah Rukh Khan our girls ok, only our big shot Lakshmi is going for Chinky. 

Poor father paid lakhs to agent for Gulf job. Complete loss, now all salary go for open bar in Manila, when we can open one no. computer academy in Belthangady.

The foolish naming him Laksmisha is making cruel joke on us. No Lakshmi, only double and triple loss for us: agent commission goodnight, inward remittance goodnight, and you think this shameless girl will give dowry, hain? Easier for me to make match Rahul Gandhi and Sonali Jaitley, but she is already fixed.

I am having experience, I say. My neighbour Sakuntala son got married one no. American girl. Aiyo; forget dowry, even wedding expense they made my neighbour to pay. 'Your guest so much more', they are telling. What a cheap people.

I am not getting annoyed for myself. Tchah, what I get for this matchmaker job? One silk saree, that's all. But I am telling for Laksmi's own good, Ambassador Sir. Don't let him to spoil future prospects. It is your duty, why for we are paying tax? You only tell and don't give green signal this wedding, see he will come to senses.

Very sincerely,
Smt. Sarvamangala
Official Matchmaker, Belthangady Tq.