Kerala: Triple talaq is boon, let it not be Muslim monopoly

The Allahabad High Court says triple talaq is unconstitutional, the Kerala High Court says there is a need for legislative intervention, and God knows what the other courts are saying.  Hey guys, isn't it high time we amended the Constitution to modernize our marriage and divorce laws? It does make sense to adopt 'best practices' from every community. Triple talaq can be a boon, not only for men but also for women. You see, instant divorce is the dream of every maladjusted couple. A Muslim woman who wants a divorce has only to provoke her husband into pronouncing the magic words "talaq, talaq, talaq". Tell me, is there any man alive who simply cannot be provoked? So this is indeed a formula that works.

The problem with the ulemas, mullahs and other self-ordained interpreters of the Quran is that they have insufficient imagination. Instead of raising the "Islam is in danger" slogan every time they perceive a threat from the judiciary, they would do well to create a wider awareness of the positive aspects of the Sharia. I'm sure Hindu and Christian women would welcome the triple talaq too, once they become aware of its hidden merits. Everyone understands that the 'until death do us part' formula is not working any more.

Of course we need a Uniform Civil Code, not like the one suggested by the Modi-led BJP  Government but a model civil and criminal code based on the Sharia. For all Indians, I mean. Frankly, I'd like to have a referendum on this - it would be a rare treat to find out what the public really thinks. An inner voice tells me that Indian men and women irrespective of their religious beliefs will come out in large numbers in favour of instant divorce.

Talking of constitutional reform, I feel there's no harm in innovating and improvising just a wee bit. No need to do away with polygamy - it has multiple uses (no pun or double entendre intended). Why not just introduce polyandry to readjust the gender balance? Wouldn't that be just right?  And remember all those outdated patriarchal stuff like natural guardian of the child being the father, mentioning the father's name on all those applications and formats, antiquated inheritance  and adoption laws - if you ask me, the Constitution needs major overhauling, and now is the time.

So let's stop condemning triple talaq and polygamy and work on modernizing our laws. What the country needs is stability, transformation, unity, prosperity, imagination and demonetization (STUPID in short). Think of the benefits that a dramatically altered Constitution-app would bring. Justice delivered via whatsapp and sms in nano-seconds with zero legal costs. Lawyers as a class would become extinct. Our PM, who prides himself on being India's best PRO, can boast of having beaten the Pakistanis at their own game. They have neither polygamy nor triple talaq and they call themselves an Islamic state! Look at us - we have both, and not only for Muslims but for all Indians. Our people top the Global Happiness Index. Our economy is booming because the rest of world is queuing up to invest in India.

Soon we'll have to start building that wall on our western front in true Trump-style because not only the Balochis but even the Pakistanis are going to migrate to India in droves. (Half of the Bangladesh population is already in Kerala and the rest are in Begal and Assam, so no wall is needed in the east.) The world will recognize India, not Israel or the United States, as the Promised Land. How about that, folks?