Doctor's clinic: Dracula revisited

The country’s daily newspapers recently carried a report that a doctor in Mumbai, incensed over some financial argy-bargy with a woman, presumably a patient or a lover, or both, decided to conclude the matter in the style popularised by Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula. He simply leaned over and bit off a portion of the young lady’s cheek leaving her, literally, red-faced.

The good doctor might have bitten off more than he could chew. His lady friend took the matter to the local police who did not appear too fussed about the whole affair. A case was registered, but the cops remained unimpressed. ‘So you suffered a nasty flesh wound. Big deal! How do we know it wasn’t a love bite?’ That fatuous remark just about summed up their attitude. Which was rather cheeky of them. The injured party is weighing up her options, and we haven’t heard the last of this case.

There is a lesson in this quite bizarre incident. If this kind of carefree view is taken by the upholders of the law, where doctors, lawyers, tax consultants and their ilk, can sink their teeth with impunity on women, men and children, where will it all end? ‘What will the harvest be?’ is the question that is exercising all right thinking citizens. If such bloodthirsty conduct is allowed to go unchecked, we can foresee more such out-of-the-box violence being perpetrated. All grist to the media’s insatiable mill. Indeed, some of the following incidents actually happened, and others very much within the realm of possibility.

Orthopaedic surgeon concludes a knee operation on a patient, who happens to be his tax consultant. ‘That’s it Mr. Sharma, I have successfully operated on your right knee, which is now fully taped up, bandaged and in plaster. Three weeks complete bed rest, followed by some exercises and you should be right as rain’.

A horrified Mr. Sharma exclaims, ‘But Doctor, you were supposed to perform this surgery on my left knee. My right knee was in perfect condition. Till now’. The surgeon winks at his patient and gleefully says, ‘Now you know what it’s like, my dear old, fleecing tax consultant, to miscalculate my allowable deductions and make me pay double the advance tax. To say nothing of the extortionate fees you bill me, adding insult to injury. Anyhow, it was an honest mistake. My bad. Not to worry, I shall deal with your left knee tomorrow’. Mr. Sharma would have given anything to knee his vengeful surgeon in the nether regions, but was clearly handicapped.

At a criminal lawyer’s office, meaning the lawyer specialises in criminal cases (not that he himself is a criminal or anything), his client, an attractive 40-something widow is complaining bitterly about threats she is receiving from her deceased husband’s family over rights to his property, as he left no will. ‘Does his property not automatically devolve to me?’ she wails. ‘I don’t have much money, but if you can solve this through the courts, or even out of court, I’ll give you half of what I get by way of damages’. ‘You can do more than that’, replies the crafty lawyer, with alacrity. ‘The property is worth crores. You are alone and I am an attractive bachelor with a bright future. What say we forget about the fees and get hitched up at the nearest registrar, followed by an intimate wine and cheese dinner with only the moon and stars for company?’ The young lady, her face set grim, carefully opens her handbag, and fishes out a small aerosol can of pepper spray. As the uppity lawyer gets his deserved comeuppance, blood curdling screams issue forth from his chamber, much to the staff’s astonishment. Moral of the story – if you must get fresh with an attractive widow, have the sense to check the contents of her handbag first.

These and other such examples prove beyond a shadow of doubt that, when you get right down to it, you will be hard pressed to find a species more wretched and vile than mankind. I hasten to add that I don’t mean to generalise, and tar the whole of humanity with the same brush. There are plenty of outstanding and upstanding men and women out there in the world, but the bad ones are so bad they beggar description.

There was this report of a school master who taught geography at a girls’ school, and took a particular fancy to one of the young girls, whom he invited over for “private tuition”. ‘You are a very bright girl and I would like to coach you exclusively so that your full potential is realised’. The girl, suitably flattered, walked into the master’s den. ‘Will you walk into my parlour, said the Spider to the Fly’, in the words of the early 19th century poem. We will not dwell on the sordid unpleasantness that followed. Suffice it to say that the deviant purveyor of geography did not have the great oceans, mountains, rivers and capitals of the world in mind during his tuition class. It will be of small comfort to know that this pretend teacher was caught, found guilty of child abuse and thrashed within an inch of his life by some 40 members of the Parent Teachers Association. The chastened geography teacher then promised the school management and the parents to turn over a new leaf. He has been given another chance, not by the school, but banished to teaching moral science to prisoners doing time at a city jail.

All said and done, the young widow with the can of pepper spray had the right idea. We can all learn from her. Mind you, a handy bottle of acid or even a sharp pair of scissors would be equally efficacious. One need not be too fussy about the specific method or implement of combat, as long as it gets the job done.

(The author is a brand consultant with a liking for music, cricket and good humour)