The miracle that I believe in: Suneetha Balakrishnan

As a Hindu girl who spent her entire school years in Catholic convent schools, I thought I knew all there was to know about nuns. I liked some of them, especially the ones who came to serve in India from far-off lands, who were usually kind. There were others we hated as children because they made our lives miserable, for reasons of their own which we could not fathom. The habit therefore was not exactly a popular outfit with me. Then, as a teen in search of role models serving humanity, I came across another nun.

She was born a Macedonian, her blood was Albanian, but she chose to serve in my country, arriving here eight-plus decades ago. What made her stand out from other missionaries in service that I knew was that she wore a white saree with blue border. I later heard this was modelled on the garb of the cleaning women in service on the streets of Kolkata. That one fact that she chose to dress like us while she chose our country as her field of service made her one of us right away, and that she was also an Indian citizen. I placed the Mother on a pedestal from that day, for, she was doing something I would never be able to do for my fellow citizens.

Later, as one grew older, and grew roots and thoughts separate from the traditional mould that held us captive in patriarchy, I grew distant from anything or anyone who curbed the freedom of a woman. That included Mother Teresa. Her firm stance against abortion and divorce was something I could not comprehend. For someone who took in the suffering masses, how could she not see the suffering of a woman who wanted a divorce or abortion? And then one heard of the other charges that were being levelled against her. Was she a religious fundamentalist? Did she glorify poverty? Did she promote a cult of suffering?

Why was she against modernisation of medical equipment or 'solution-based initiatives'? The stories began to grow gorier. And while the Mother shared public spaces with the rightwing heads of the world, the right-wingers of her country of service spoke vehemently against her. That didn't look good to a mind which was in the phase of forming its political affiliations. But on the other hand, she was being decorated and honoured and felicitated across the globe. It just didn't fit in how one person could be so good and merciful, yet be so illogical against pure logic and science. Then there was that critical documentary on the Mother, Hell's Angel, which was the last straw. I stopped following the Mother.

Years later, something about Mother Teresa popped up again in my reading. It was about how Mother Teresa expressed grave doubts about God's existence and pain over her lack of faith. Reading up more about her spiritual angst opened my eyes to how deep her experiences were as a human being. It was not blind faith, but a faith born of experience, of being in close proximity with suffering and poverty. She passed on around the same time, was beatified after a few years and is being canonised now. I don't believe in miracles, at least not yet. Yet, there are millions who think she is capable of working miracles in our miserable lives. I respect that. And as Indians will proudly claim a saint for themselves, what stands out again for me about this woman is her selfless humanity. That, perhaps, is the miracle she worked.

(Suneetha Balakrishnan is a writer)