Cabbages & Kings: Why Belgians hate UK

Narcissus — your image,
Echo — your own sound
Shun the mirror,
Drop the selfie —
look around,
For God’s sake —
look around!
From Apoloji Bolo Ji
by Bachchoo

British Prime Minister David Cameron is in the process of renegotiating Britain’s membership of the European Union. He has promised the British public a referendum, after the negotiations are complete on whether to stay in the European Union or to leave it. There are arguments on both sides. Those who want to remain in the EU say it has desperately needed market and economic benefits.

Those who want to leave say that Britain allows too many “foreigners” in and they sponge off the British taxpayer. There are more sophisticated arguments, but the economic and xenophobic ones are posed more frequently. As Mr Cameron reported on the negotiations to the Westminster Parliament, La Capitale, a Belgian newspaper ran a feature which said, “Kick out the Rossbeefs” — the last word, a rude French description of Brits.

It went on to make a list of 10 reasons why Europeans hate the British. It begins with a metaphor I don’t quite understand. It says the British believe they are the “belly-button” of the world. This presumably means, not that they believe themselves to have received the umbilical cord from a female deity, but that they think they are the centre of the universe.

There may have been a time when this was true. We ex-colonials are familiar with the boast that the sun never set on the British Empire and there was the famous headline in a 19th century British newspaper: “FOG IN THE CHANNEL: CONTINENT ISOLATED!”

Today there is a scramble by British governments to hang onto the coattails of US foreign policy, to beg China and India to invest in its industries and to excuse all misbehaviour by the Saudis as long as they buy British armaments.

The second reason they quote for hatred of Brits is that they refuse to speak any other language but English and even though they have guttural accents themselves, they look at foreigners condescendingly if their accent is not perfect.

This is true and being multilingual myself (Gujarati, Hindustani, and a fair bit of Marathi and even a little German!) I can concur. The old joke goes: “A person who speaks three languages is called trilingual, a person who speaks two is called bilingual, a person who speaks only one is called British.” Ah well, it’s only partially true. The best translations, for instance, of Rumi are still by British professors Reynold A. Nicholson and then A.J. Arberry.

Thirdly, the Brits “can’t do anything like everyone else” and here they cite driving on the left. This is Belgian racism, as the article overlooks the Indian population, over a billion of us, whose law requires driving on the left (Not that anyone in India obeys traffic laws or conventions, but for the purposes of this column I’ll ignore that observation). The Belgians go on to say that the Brits have the worst cuisine in the world. This may have been true when globalisation hadn’t changed British eating habits.

Now the Belgians get really insulting complaining that the British drink warm beer. They are so addicted to their own cooled lager that they can’t appreciate that a good “bitter” or pale ale can’t be chilled. It would ruin it — like drinking lukewarm coffee or heated up white wine. Not our cup of tea, old chap!

Then we come to the crux of it. The British go on holiday to Bruges or Brussels and get drunk. Belgian statisticians estimate that the Brits drink eight alcoholic drinks a day on holiday. Only on holiday? Those statisticians should come to London or Manchester!

The Belgians contend that the British climate is even worse than theirs. Can’t argue with that, though perhaps global warming will alter the balance.
I don’t read Belgian newspapers but the article goes on to the holier-than-thou contention that “their tabloid newspapers only think about bums and scandals”.

Now admittedly the British newspapers have drawn attention to a few famous bums, such as that of the sister of the girl who married Prince William and the posterior of someone called Kim Kardashian who I believe is American.
The Belgians have it wrong. Yes, scandal is very much the meat of reportage, but apart from bums, the tabloids here are very partial to breasts, nakedness of any sort and to being snide about foreigners. The list then turns to some football game in which the British in 1990 defeated some Belgian team. I am hopelessly, but proudly, unqualified to comment.

The last reason for hatred is the propensity of the British football fans abroad (and at home) to get drunk, pick fights and enjoy violence. Though one is ashamed to admit it, it’s true. Football hooligans are not the best ambassadors of any nation, but the Brits have the worst reputation and are proud of it.

The article in La Capitale did reluctantly agree at the end that there is something to be said for English gardens which to my mind allow nature free reign within aesthetic disciplines. And they didn’t forget to mention the small matter of Britain liberating them twice from German invasion in the last century, not to mention from Napoleon in the previous one.