Shobhaa De | ‘I’m the guy’ syndrome always spells bad news

My slogan for America’s Elections 2024? “Make America Sane Again”. Forget “great”, forget “strong”. Just get the basics right, guys! So much pagalpan going on, with the political narrative changing by the hour, makes our desi pagalpan look sensible. During our recent mega-elections, nobody’s ear got nearly shot off. A few noses were symbolically cut off, that’s all. Our netas were magnanimously spared by haters (no dearth of those in India), who took verbal, not actual, potshots at them. We have our loonies and crazies, just like in the United States of America. But… we go easy with guns, even if we love shooting our mouths off. America’s biggest folly is the lax gun control policy. From “Annie Get Your Gun” level of entertainment, to the far more serious issue of random nut-jobs with a finger on the trigger, it is astonishing for non-Americans to fathom the easy access to weapons, which are sold like candy to virtually anybody walking into the store asking for a weapon. I have had long arguments with old friends from India who are now American citizens and possess firearms. Don’t they have problems with the super-casual approach most Americans display towards owning guns? I receive an emphatic “no” from these folks, who then give me some BS bhaashan on the fundamental rights of American citizens. I wonder: what about the fundamental rights of citizens who have an equally fundamental problem about their neighbours being armed to the teeth? Are non-gun owners not entitled to their right to object to living with potentially dangerous neighbours?

Donald Trump’s shooter Thomas Mathew Crooks (what an apt surname) comes with a detailed backstory, that is, if you buy into the official FBI version of the assassination attempt (most political observers don’t). The FBI version, complete with “credible” evidence, won’t make it even as a second-rate Netflix series -- it has more holes than a sieve. The FBI itself is now increasingly treated like a joke, with gigantic credibility issues.

Today, the lines are blurred between Vladimir Putin’s killer agencies, China’s hired hitmen and the holier-than-thou Americans, who assume the moral high ground but are no better than these two global players fighting for domination. The world will never know who the real “crooks” are in this case. Just as a staggering 61 years later, we are still scratching our heads over the Lee Harvey Oswald-John F. Kennedy Dallas assassination case. The FBI claims Crooks had googled the Kennedy killing and flown a drone 180 meters from Trump’s stage hours before the rally. Hello! Nobody noticed, okay?

Donald Trump is the biggest gainer of this murky controversy. Or is he? Had he not been shot at on July 13 in Butler, Pennsylvania, would Kamala Devi Harris be on the scene as a potential threat? Was Joe Biden opting out of the race a direct consequence of the “lend me your ear” debacle? Is ALL of this stage-managed and fake? If so, is Barack Obama the chief architect of the palace coup? If “yes”, what’s in it for him? More money? More power? How many more wars does the former President want to start? Biden was dropped because of his “biological dynamics”. Well, those dynamics have been steadily and visibly on the decline for a while. Where was Obama while biology was playing havoc with his nominee? Biden was busily campaigning hours before calling it a day. He repeated “I’m the guy”, John Wayne style. And suddenly, Boom! It was all over.

And he wasn’t the guy! There was a gal in his place! So, what happened during those few hours? Who leaned on Biden and persuaded him to quit the race? Obama and Nancy Pelosi? Why? Because they suddenly rediscovered Kamala Harris, and figured: “Hey! She’s the one!”

None of this makes sense… it’s not meant to. Confounding critics and enemies is an age-old Confucian trick. The timing is everything. “Laffin Kamala” memes are doing the rounds… the Lotus who could become Potus… is back in the game, after being shoved into the background for the past two years. Mockingly called “Kackala” by Trump supporters, Harris shot back, saying she has inherited her belly laugh from her mother Shyamala. Over $250 million in political contributions were raked in by Harris in just three days. Dunno why… but all those hurried online contributions make me suspicious. Does China want Kamala in the White House? Is she being propped up as a ruse while the asli nominee is a dark horse picked by the Obama cabal? Why would someone as shrewd as Obama believe Kamala stands a chance in hell to waltz into the White House unchallenged? Ain’t happening! Too many strikes against Kamala… we know those. Her “coconut” identity for one (brown outside, white inside). Jewish husband. And a whole bunch of other stuff the average American finds unpalatable.

Then again… who is the Average Joe in today’s times? Is the new “Every American” ready for a non-white woman to take control of a country that seems to be at war with itself? God bless… no… God save America!

Let’s switch to Apna Budget. I fail to understand how reams and reams are devoted to deconstructing the Budget, year after year, because despite all the data analysis involved, nobody can understand what that mumbo jumbo actually means. Nirmala Sitharaman sailed through her presentation, and hardly anybody blinked. More tax, honey? Chalega! After her seventh Budget presentation, citizens are as jaded as she looks. Give us a sexier Budget, madamji. Make us get to our feet and dance to “Tauba! Tauba!” in the downpour that’s drowning our city. Distract us from the absurdity of greeting crocs swimming aaram se in the flooded waters near India’s primary business district -- the swanky BKC. Make us forget the more mundane factoids of life as the rupee drops to a new low and we cut back on tomato chutney (the price of tomatoes in the Mumbai market hit 100 bucks a kilo recently).

Oui! Oui! The Olympics are here. Did you see the India team uniforms and weep in disappointment? I did. Compare the drab, unimaginative unattractive garb of our gorgeous athletes, to the culturally-authentic and fabulously structured ensembles of the Mongolian team. Hum kahan? Woh kahan! Never mind the shabby optics, so long as Team India goes all out in the “City of Love”, and our athletes give it their all, we won’t fixate on the medal count alone, but cheer them as they keep the “Tiranga” flying high.