On the contrary: What to expect from 2018

Since I lay no claims to being either clairvoyant or well versed in the arcane mysteries of astrology, the only defence I have to offer in the event of this column being wildly off target is that I was merely obeying an editorial diktat. As Ivanka Trump and our Dear Leader reminded us at the recent Global Entrepreneurship Summit, "Women First, Prosperity for All," we live in the time of the queen bee; our editor is a woman, do the math.

Right, let's kick off with shopping. I predict Flipkart will merge with the Premji Foundation and sell only really useful products, like the drone ambulance or the Morpher bike helmet made of inter-woven plastic that is so flexible it can be folded flat. Or the $20 baby thermometer that can be worn as a bracelet and beeps to alert concerned mothers when the child is cold or hungry. Unconcerned mothers can opt for the luxury model: it comes with a gizmo that gives the child's caregiver a mild electric shock.

Apple will launch a vastly improved version of Alexa, which will not just automatically put your headphones on pause in order to have a conversation, but detect whether the caller is cerebral enough to instruct, amuse and elevate you. If not, it will allow you to remain on the Dark Side of the Moon until the bore hangs up in frustration. Telemarketers will be automatically switched to Apprentice re-runs. Say what you like about El Trumpo, but the cover of "Private Eye" featuring him pointing to his own head saying, "It's a no-brainer," sold 287,000 copies.

The Woodstock generation will be thrilled with California based Hmbldt's new line of vaporizer pens which dispense a dose of cannabis oil "chemically engineered to make people feel a certain way-calm, sleepy, relieved of pain-without getting too high." While the last part maybe a bit of a bummer and the product is yet to receive FDA approval, "This really can help people feel better," says their spokesman, Jason DeLand. At least he's a step ahead of his mythical namesake: the Golden Fleece character. I like your story, Jason, you should stick with it.

Dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid are going to crash and burn because men are going to opt out. Women are hard-wired to keep swiping left and right by a lifetime spent in search of the perfect pair of shoes, while men slobber all over the screen whenever they get a response, including, "gross". I realize that this may sound like a gender stereotype, but let's face the facts: women are genetically programmed to separate studs from duds. Most guys are like my techie pal, Murthy who says, "Dude, Tinder doesn't try to match you with others using a fancy algorithm or compatibility questions…it's just a sophisticated stalk box that helps you instantly find women in your area." Icebreaker, an app that helps men charm and communicate clearly with women, and ConDeaf, a filter app that allows women the luxury of selective hearing when they receive clumsy propositions, will receive major funding. Car manufacturers will install a new version of echo horns that sound four times as loud inside the vehicle, which will finally get drivers in India to stop honking.  Hold on, I just had a scary thought: what if they all go deaf and just honk louder? I guess we'll have to bring back the death penalty for bad musicians prevailing in the time of Aurangzeb, suitably amended for persistent honkers. For those who found that a bit extreme, I offer you the Wildean wisdom, "Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account."

Good design, intelligent planning and the concept of the greater common good will become part of the curriculum in all schools, instead of the usual civics crap or Dinanath Batra fantasies of organ transplant being widespread in Vedic times. Just in case one is perceived as biased, Santa Claus can go as well, who needs him? Ditto the Easter Bunny and as for Valentine's, it will become what Rajiv Malhotra calls the fallacy of "cultural digestion versus Sanskrit Non-translatables." One does not say of a tiger's kill that both tiger and prey are changed for the better or that two kinds of animals have flowed into one another to produce a better one.

Politicians will finally come around to the view that the function of journalism is to report the news, not take care of nation-building, border protection and patriotism; these are lofty goals best left to the politician, the army and Arnabites.  Rich Indian parents will find themselves via Osho and SriSriSri: if their kids get behind the wheel of an SUV on New Year's Eve, they will not use influence or engage highly-paid lawyers to ask the all-important question, "Do you know who I am?"

Did I mention there's going to be a 9.4% growth in the happiness index?