Howzzat, Mr. Prime Minister Imran Khan!

A couple of days before the Pakistan general election results were announced, it was apparent who was to be the new leader of the nation - Imran Khan. The name of the political party he represents is immaterial and I cannot remember it anyway - Insaaf something-or-the-other. However, everyone and his pet dog in India knows Imran Khan. Iconic and charismatic former captain of Pakistan’s cricket team, magnificent opening bowler who could swing the ball prodigiously both ways, a more than useful batsman down the order, and in the eyes of all teenage girls and grown up mothers in India, an irresistible Adonis and poster boy, in whose presence they swooned. A real swinger, our Imran. 

That was almost 30 years ago, when skipper Imran Khan was the cricketing badshah of all he surveyed, who held aloft the World Cup in Melbourne in 1992. Today he is the elected leader of a volatile nation, wearing a crown of thorns, ensconced in the hottest seat a rookie politician could aspire to. And he has those wonderfully helpful pals of his, the Pakistani defence establishment to thank for his ascension.

Your correspondent has been trying in vain to cadge an appointment with the great man, but no dice. No appointment can be granted to Indian correspondents unless they can prove Imran had lunch, tea or dinner with them during his many visits to India as a cricketer, commentator and holiday maker. Which meant other than Sunil Gavaskar, Kapil Dev and a couple of Bollywood stars and starlets, no one else qualified. I was in a quandary. Finally I decided to shoot off an email to his fan club address, imran@fanmail.com, stating that I will send him a questionnaire over email and would he be so kind as to answer them before he was sworn in and sworn at. I did not receive a reply but I sent the questionnaire anyway, on a wing and a prayer.

I could not believe my eyes or my inbox, when I saw the words Office of the Prime Minister of Pakistan in bold letters. On opening the mail tremblingly, I saw a curt letter from the ‘Secretary to the PM’, stating that the attachment contained answers to my queries. I was also instructed to delete the mail after printing it out, read it, crush and swallow the printed foolscap sheets. Fair enough. Cloak and dagger was a necessary element of high level politics I thought to myself, and proceeded to open the attachment, ensuring that no malevolent virus had corrupted my computer. I was flabbergasted. All my questions had been answered. Goodness me, what a scoop! Swallowing the sheets was a pain, though. Hate the taste of printing ink. I fully expect my editor to quadruple my fees after this. So here is the unexpurgated interview with the new Prime Minister of Pakistan.

A sudden twist. The PM's office sent me another message to ignore the printed interview and that he will be on FaceTime instead, granting me 15 minutes. Was I dreaming? Was this a fake? Chat on camera with Imran Khan? Then the anti-climax. The FaceTime interview happened but the new Prime Minister did not appear on screen, for security reasons. I was interviewing a screensaver image of Imran Khan cradling the World Cup. His voice was clear and resonant, though his replies were strange.

Your Correspondent (YC) - 
‘Immy, if I can take the liberty of calling you Immy, hearty congratulations. How does it feel to be the new Prime Minister of Pakistan?’

Imran Khan (PM) - ‘No, you may definitely not call me Immy. What a liberty! I have a good mind to terminate this interview. This is your first and last chance. You will address me as Mr. Prime Minister. As to your question, it's too soon. Ask me again after three months. If I am still here’.

YC - ‘Sorry Mr. Prime Minister, tauba tauba! Will not happen again, God promise. There is a feeling in my country that you are virulently anti-India. Your comment?’

PM - ‘Look, this is media trash. Just because I kept skittling the Indians out every time we played a Test match, doesn’t mean I don't like Indians. During my heydays, whenever we played India, we knew once we got Gavaskar out, the match was as good as over. I would then allow Visvanath to play a few attractive shots before packing him off as well. Nobody else wanted to face me’.

YC - ‘Most interesting Mr. PM, but getting back to international affairs, will you and our PM, Mr. Modi be getting together anytime soon to set at rest all these rumours about your India hater stance?’

PM - ‘You know, captaincy is a very important part of cricket. A team is only as good as its leader. Unlike in football, where the captain just wears an armband and wanders around, and the coach is the boss. As a cricket captain, I had to take so many tough decisions. Still, nothing comes easy. Eh, what? As we used to say in Oxford’.

YC - ‘Hmmm. How will you tackle the intractable Kashmir issue, Your Excellency?’

PM - ‘Excellency, nice. You learn fast. I would suggest India encourage M.S. Dhoni to enter politics. Solid fellow with a sane head, and he will be retiring soon. He and I should hit it off. Even Musharraf liked him’.

YC - ‘Quite, quite. One last time please Mr. PM, will you be a dove or a hawk on India?’

PM - ‘By Jove, we are out of time. Anyway, to answer your question, to achieve that perfect outswinger, you have to shine the ball on one side of the seam by vigorously rubbing it on the seat of your trousers. Hits your laundry bills for six, though. That ends the interview. My warm regards to Sunny Bhai and Kapil Paaji. I'll talk to you again in six months’ time’.

YC - ‘If you’re still there, Mr. Prime Minister’.