Trans-forming journey

I had the most intimate encounters. I enjoyed every second of pleasure then. Because it was my pleasure then, my bloody pleasure, not theirs to take at will… I was a lioness on a hunt. I didn’t care how I slayed, and what I slayed. I had no regrets… Men are like tissue paper — use and throw,” reads the precise and explosive blurb on the back cover of Red Lipstick: The Men in My Life penned by Laxmi Narayan Tripathi, that released earlier this month. With an iconic flamboyance, a big, round bindi on her forehead, her trademark nose-stud and unabashedly red lipstick, Laxmi has been one of the most prominent voices in transgender rights activism in India. Last year, she penned her autobiography Me Hijra, Me Laxmi where she touched upon the story of her life. This book is another unapologetic tell-all, which narrows down the focus on her trysts with the men she has encountered in her life.

“I have always been quite blunt. At one point, it struck me that I should confront my own history,” says Laxmi. “In the book I have spoken about those who mattered the most and have remained with me long after they were gone,” she says. The reminiscence is unapologetic, much like the Laxmi in real life. “It was almost like digging people out of the grave. People think once a relationship is over, you forget that person. In my case, nobody has been out of my life.” Men, she had many in her life. Most of them, she recounts had exploited her, but she clarifies that the book is not a release of her anger. “I haven’t written with anger. Why should I be angry at my destiny? Life is much more and there is no point in regretting or being angry with anybody. It was my pleasure to know all these people and I would not have it any other way,” she says.

Red Lipstick: The Men in My Life by Laxmi Rs 399, pp 208 Penguin Random House

Having grown up as an effeminate man, it took a lot of determination and a strong support system to be the person that Laxmi is today. She prefers to call herself a hijra, something that had offended many activists, including Ashok Row Kavi (who she has dedicated a chapter to in the book). “Epitome of femininity cannot be handled by men,” she states. Pointing further at the hypocrisy ingrained in the Indian society, Laxmi says, “I believe everybody is in search of love. But in India, everybody thinks there can be only one kind of relationship — the Ram-Sita kind. However, fact remains that India is also the land of the Kama Sutra and there are other kinds of relationships as well. People need to accept that even we, the ones who are not like them, are also a part of the society.”

In the book Laxmi touches upon, in great detail, her orthodox upbringing. She speaks of her father, then goes on to her later years, her stint in Bigg Boss, the sexual abuses she has suffered and the love of her life. “I have written my own Mahabharata,” she says, referring to a chapter titled The Destroyer. “It was like my cheer haran had already happened, but I created my own Mahabharata, I took my revenge. This Draupadi didn’t wait for Arjuna or Bheema to avenge her, so she could wash her hair in Dushasana’s blood and tie it up. She took matters in her own hands.”  While getting her second book out, Laxmi had to face some roadblocks along the way.

At the moment, she is also donning the hat of Acharya Mahamandleshwar at the Kinnar Akhara, in Ujjain. “In this role, I have to take care of the religious works and other rituals,” she says. Given her new role as a religious head, her followers thought that perhaps a book, which speaks so unabashedly about her personal life, wouldn’t be appropriate. Laxmi, however, was clear on her purpose. “We had been working on the book much before I was made Acharya Mahamandleshwar. So, those who knew about it would ask me if I would publish it. Many thought that it would be inappropriate and so on. But I was very sure about doing it. This is a part of me that I don’t want to suppress. It is my history and I cannot change it, I am quite transparent that way. If people want to protest, they are most welcome, but will that change my past? Anybody who cannot accept his or her past is a hypocrite.”