Most of us wrestle with deep wounds that fester within. Perhaps you had a cruel father who sent fear shooting up your spine, or a mother whose psychological problems compelled you to look after her from the age of 6, or you have an uncaring spouse whose indifference and selfishness is devastating you. Is there anything we can do about this, or are we destined to be the victims of our circumstances?
Thankfully, none of us is condemned to victimhood forever. We can heal from even the gravest of emotional and physical abuse. But there is only one condition. In most cases, we need to be our own liberator. We cannot sit around waiting for a knight in shining armour to come, cut the knots that bind us and bear us away to a bright and shining future. We ourselves need to carefully and gradually remove each of the knots and find our freedom.
How do we do that?
The first step is to become aware that we have a choice. We have the choice to take our lives into our own hands. To free ourselves from the situation, to take back our power and control. This is the most difficult and crucial step. We need to recognise that the abuser has no power over us except what we have given them. No one can abuse us against our will. Most abusers break our spirit, decimate our will, and destroy our self-esteem, which is why we feel we have no choice in the matter.
But if you build up these three components, there will come a magical day when you will find yourself strong enough to put your foot down, to stand up for yourself, to say no. Perhaps a parent wants you to take up a profession that does not appeal or marry someone you do not wish to. When you draw from within the courage to say no and to stand by the no, the parent will usually succumb. It is only your lack of strength that gave them the illusion that they could control you.
Secondly, work on healing yourself. Strengthen yourself, forgive yourself, and inspire yourself. Learn the lessons the situation has in store for you. And use the problems as opportunities for growth.
Thirdly, we need to forgive the other — not because it is the right thing to do, but so that we can finally be free. Forgiving is not easy, but it will help to remember that we have drawn everything that has come into our lives through past karma. Life is absolutely just. Therefore, instead of blaming the other, we simply need to work on ourselves. And when we are strong enough, we will see the other as an erring human being and not a deadly villain, and will be able to forgive them.
We deserve to be our own masters. We are meant to neither control not be controlled. Make sure you get there.
The writer is former editor-in-chief of Life Positive magazine and founder, facilitator of the Zen of Good Writing Course. Contact her at sumavarughese@gmail.com
