Delusions of a romantic affair

“You think about them all the time, feel really happy when you see them, and want them to like you back. You might start imagining things about them and yourself that aren’t real. It feels very intense and can make you see the world differently,” begins Sheetal Dewan Kapur, energetic counsellor and clairvoyant.

First & foremost

Limerence is a term that might not be widely recognised but describes a state of mind familiar to many. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence refers to an intense, involuntary romantic infatuation, marked by obsessive thoughts and an overwhelming desire for reciprocation. It’s an all-consuming, often disruptive force. Our imagined relationships with celebrities and fictional characters — known as parasocial relationships — can blur the lines even further. These one-sided bonds can provide comfort and excitement and risk tipping into a malign dependency.
“An obsession, not rooted in reality is a sign that something is going on inside from early trauma that hasn’t seen the light and needs processing,” says trauma-informed psychotherapist Mansi Poddar.

The recent Netflix black comedy miniseries, Baby Reindeer, offers a stark exploration of these themes. Based on the true story of a budding comedian and a stalker, the show delves into the complexities of human affection and obsession. It illustrates how easily our perceptions of love can become distorted, leading us to make decisions that defy logic and self-preservation.

In the miniseries, protagonist Donny is entangled with Darrien, whose behaviour oscillates between affection and abuse. Despite recognising the toxicity, Donny keeps returning, intrigued by Darrien’s manipulative magnetism. The unsettling dynamic makes us wonder why we sometimes cling to harmful relationships. Is it rooted in self-doubt or a misguided attempt to find validation and self-worth through another’s attention?

Mansi underlines that the stature of just an infatuation and a baleful fixation is rooted in attachment trauma. “You can have a crush on anyone, but if your behaviour or emotions cross boundaries where you violate their privacy or destroy your mental health, we have a serious problem. Abusive relationships are based on trauma bonding, not self-hatred. Many of us who have survived abuse will tell you that no one sees it coming. It doesn’t matter who you are; abusers recruit you into abusive situations.”

The line between love and fixation

We might seek love to hate ourselves a little less, to fill a void we can’t quite identify. Lately, the entertainment sector has propagated a harmful and fixated portrayal of relationships, a narrative now idealised by contemporary youth. Lovesickness alters one’s perception of the world.

“A fit dose of romance needs some banter, excitement, and attraction from both sides. If you’re obsessive about an individual who doesn’t know you exist, you need to meet someone who will help you navigate this matter,” shares Sheetal. She also adds, “I feel this frequency stems from hating the situation around the
individual rather than their personality. They build this mountain of hate, love, or the idea of both to save themselves from the reality of the situation.”

Fictitious relationships

Avani Vasani, a family therapist and clinical psychologist, notes, “People involved in suffering romantic behaviour often have underlying mental health issues that usually go unnoticed and are masked by socially accepted conduct. Psychological traits such as learned helplessness (where an individual learns to endure stressful situations), obsessional rumination (spending excessive time on intrusive thoughts), abandonment issues, and anxious attachment are often found in individuals in abusive relationships.” She signs off, adding that the eros for validation and avoidance of solitude is so weighty, given the scarcity of unconditional love, that people resort to fictitious relationships or endure damaging ones.