Woes of the eldest daughter

Although the phrase ‘eldest daughter syndrome’ was created online rather than by a medical professional, many first-born women undoubtedly experience this feeling.

The drama between Kourtney and Kim Kardashian is a prime illustration of this syndrome. “I think, like, for my survival, I need my own identity, and I just need my own life,” Kourtney remarked in a subsequent confessional, emphasising the all-encompassing nature of older siblinghood. The role of big sister, a job you didn’t apply for but will never be able to retire from, has a pernicious way of infiltrating all of your life choices, imbuing them with a wary edge that will last until maturity.

So what do the older girls have to say about the stereotypes?

“Elder sister is like being a cop”

Senior IPS officer Abhilasha Bisht, director, TSPA, feels being an elder sister is like being a cop, who is responsible for so many things, and everyone is questioning your authority.

“The only difference is that, as a police officer, your authority has certain legitimacy. As an elder sister, it is due to the backing of your parents and the regard of your siblings. While parents are happy that they are lightened, however, there is often questioning and insurrections from the siblings,” she says.

“As the older of the two siblings, I looked after my younger sister, was responsible for her during college days, and till now play the pacemaker,” says Abhilasha, an Additional DGP rank officer, presently heading the Telangana State Police Academy.

However, she says, some people are born leaders earlier in life. “When both parents are out working, it is the eldest daughter of the house who takes over the mantle of the mother,” she says.

Birth order affect personality

Arthi Shah, chairperson, YFLO, feels the older girls may articulate a sense of frustration with the stereotypes associated with being the eldest daughter. “They might convey how these expectations often create undue pressure and stress, impacting their ability to pursue their own goals and desires,” she says, adding, “They could emphasise the importance of challenging societal norms that dictate rigid roles based on birth order, advocating for recognition of their individuality and the opportunity to define their own identities beyond familial expectations,” says Aarthi.

Unconscious and involuntary role

Dr Pragnya Chigurupati, breast onco specialist says, “I am a twin, just 10 minutes older than my sister. Eldest sister syndrome is often an unconscious and involuntary role that a girl takes on as the emotional caretaker. Although all of us have been raised in a similar pattern, in some way, I did end up sharing this stereotype of being the “responsible one.” I often tend to wonder if it has anything to do with my time in Chennai vs. my sister’s time in the US for nearly a decade. However, I do believe that I am not only the “peacemaker” but also the “rebellious” one in the family in my own way. My family will definitely argue with me. On this one, like my mother, I do end up being a major tie in the family, while my siblings have their own strengths.”

Being there for each other

Every family dynamic is different, says Sushma Boppana, CEO and director, Sri Chaitanya Group of Institutions. “As the elder daughter, I have always felt the responsibility to make things better and to ensure everyone in the family works together positively, leading to success and happiness for all. And this role, though difficult at times, has helped me evolve as a better person. Empathy and caregiving made me understand and support my family better by being more empathetic and supportive.”

Automatic involvement

Entrepreneur Priyanka Jawahar Noria, says, “We have been raised in a liberated environment where both me and my younger brother were provided with equal rights and freedom. I was pampered more, but definitely due to my higher emotional empathy as a girl or woman, I would automatically involve myself in family-related matters. It is just how we are made and raised with the strength to envelope all such matters naturally.

Not legitimate

Era Dutta, consultant psychiatrist, TEDx speaker, and founder, Mind Wellness, says ‘elder daughter syndrome’ is not a legitimate syndrome or diagnosis but instead a pop-psychology reference to the personality of an elder daughter who takes on too much responsibility. “Birth order is just one of many factors that might shape a child’s personality. According to birth order theory, although a person’s personality is mostly up to interpretation, there are some shared traits that seem to run in families,” she explains.

Birth Order Theory

Here is a common understanding of the birth order and roles:

Firstborn children: Most firstborn children are seen as responsible, ambitious, and hardworking. They can be natural leaders who may develop excellent leadership skills from a young age, says Dr Era.

Middle children: They tend to be characterised as diplomatic, friendly, and adaptive. As they split their time between older and younger siblings, they are usually skilled negotiators and peacemakers.

Youngest children: They are often viewed as outgoing, creative, and charming. They may be more free-spirited and rebellious compared to their older siblings as they seek to differentiate themselves.

There is no getting away

“Balancing family members’ expectations while concurrently attempting to meet her own needs may result in emotional tension and strain,” says Dr Era.

Be kind to yourself

“Although being responsible and caring for others are admirable qualities, they should never cause one to lose sight of who they are,” says Dr Era.