Parenting ain’t easy, but a lot depends on the approach. While most people resort to helicopter parenting — which often ends up making matters complicated — there are some who believe in letting their kids suffer from a little bit of benign neglect. American actress Jennifer Garner is someone who practices it. “Their lives are their own,” she said. “I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.” Arnold Schwarzenegger, the father of five adult children, has also spoken of parenting “like a drill instructor.”
The 13 Going on 30 actress was most likely not advocating neglecting children’s needs but rather presenting an alternative to helicopter parenting.
Each To heir Own
Tara Sharma, an actor, entrepreneur, creator, co-producer, host and mother of two, believes in each to their own and no judgement in parenting or anything else. “Every child is unique, as are each family’s circumstances. Personally, I believe that striking a balance is beneficial. A little benign neglect and some guidance, not helicopter parenting, but a light version of leading the way. Small children, and even slightly or significantly older children, in my opinion, require some guidance because, they too are learning. So, not overly involved, but I would say that as parents, we strive to be there for our children, to help them when they need it, to let them work things out for themselves, and to steer their ship when necessary, but they are the captains, they lead the way, and cut their own routes.”
Allows them to grow
According to parenting experts, allowing children to suffer from benign neglect allows them to grow. It leads to the creation of a safe, caring environment in which children can work things out for themselves, make errors, and grow.
After all, parenting doesn’t come with a manual. “There is no thumb rule that all the kids with helicopter parenting (constant hovering) will feel secure, and those with benign neglect will automatically feel neglected,” Dr Era Dutta, Consultant Psychiatrist, Tedx speaker and Founder, Mind Wellness.
In reality, a beautiful notion in parenting is that of the “good enough parent,” which was first stated in 1953 by D. W. Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychologist who maintained that the good-enough mother was preferable than the perfect mother. She starts off fully available to her infant but gradually adapts to the infant less and less in response to the young child’s growing ability to deal with the mother’s absence.
The Balance
Arouba Kabir, Emotional & Mental Health professional, founder Enso Wellness feels, the appropriate method to approach parenting is to practise conscious parenting, in which a parent recognises that their children are individuals with their own path and purpose. “As a parent, your role is to be aware and to strike a balance between freedom and engagement. While helicopter parenting can provide some sense of comfort, it also prevents children from developing independence, autonomy, and problem-solving abilities. They will always be reliant on you,” says Arouba Kabir.
Adopting benign neglect does not indicate ignoring a child’s needs, but rather enabling them to flourish. “You’re allowing kids to explore, make decisions, and learn from their experiences. However, you must ensure that a child feels comfortable enough to disclose their faults and follow your guidance to learn from you in order to let you know what is going on,” says Arouba Kabir
the scope to learn & make mistakes
Rachna Mehta, entrepreneur and mother to Moksh & Nirvaan, says, “We have two boys, ages 19 and 18, who are both pursuing undergrad in the United States. We’ve always been involved and active parents. “Helicopter parents” or “Tiger Mom” are just phrases used to describe parenting styles/approaches. No parent should or would want to ignore their child, especially Asian parents in general. Being involved in a child’s life until a certain age is also enjoyable for parents since you do a lot of things as a team, whether it’s holidays, schoolwork, school activities, or parties. There will come a time when we must let go, such as when kids leave for college. They must make their own errors and learn from them.”
Fostering independence
Esha Malhotra, mother, counsellor, art therapist, parenting, and personal development coach, says, “Allowing children to make their own errors is critical in forming their character and laying the groundwork for future success.”
l Allowing children to make errors enables them to accept responsibility for their actions and instills a feeling of accountability.
l Making and overcoming mistakes helps to develop resilience, a critical life ability that allows people to recover from setbacks. It also promotes a developmental attitude in youngsters.
l Allowing children to make their own judgements fosters critical thinking and assists them in making educated decisions.
l Allowing children to make their own judgements, even if they result in mistakes, fosters critical thinking and assists them in making educated decisions. Not only that, but it teaches students how to manage their emotions and cope with disappointments, frustrations, and failures, so developing emotional regulation skills that contribute to their mental well-being.
Put forward the approach
l Trust-based parenting: This emphasises the importance of building trust and confidence between parent and child.
l Respectful detachment: This focuses on respecting children’s autonomy while maintaining a supportive presence.
l Holistic support: This emphasises meeting all of a child’s needs (physical, emotional, and social) while allowing for individual development.
l Hands-off approach: This simply describes the reduced intervention style.
l Low-key parenting: This suggests a more relaxed and informal parenting style.
l Age-appropriate autonomy: This emphasises tailoring the level of independence to the child’s age and development.
l Guided autonomy: This emphasises that parents still provide guidance and support but allow children to lead the way.
