Peacocks don’t mate with peahens but sire offspring with their tears, according to retired Rajasthan high court judge, Justice Mahesh Chandra Sharma.
We have now heard everything. Hear ye, hear ye, the good judge has spoken. Gavel in hand, he delivers this outstanding judgment that it is not sperm but tears from a peacock that leads to impregnation of the peahen – brings gavel down hard on his bench and it is ‘case dismissed’. This startling revelation by Justice Sharma has created quite a flutter in the animal and avian kingdom. Animals, birds, reptiles and a host of other normal and nocturnal creatures are scurrying about in restless haste, wondering what to make of all this.
Simba, the lion king was seen prancing around in his lair, frothing at the mouth, looking very agitated. Nala, his good lioness was concerned and asked, ‘What is it, Simba, my dear? What’s with the sudden mood swing?’
‘Haven’t you heard? This Justice Sharma chappie has delivered a bombshell’ growled Simba. ‘The two of us had to contort ourselves into 57 different positions, before anything like a satisfactory conclusion was reached. Some of them not even prescribed in the Kama Sutra. And after that you wouldn’t touch me with a barge pole for weeks on end, claiming a severe migraine. All this to ensure the healthy spread of our grand, and rapidly diminishing, species’
‘Tell me about it. So what’s the big deal?’ riposted Nala. ‘It’s not as if I got any joy out of the whole, stertorous exercise, which is pretty much what it was. Honestly, I do believe sex is grossly overrated.’
‘That’s what I am trying to tell you, Nala. ‘Grossly overrated’ is apposite. It’s been a lose-lose situation all along. Now it turns out all I needed to do was to watch that ’70s hit film, Erich Segal’s Love Story with you, and I’d have been crying all over you, and you would have been giving birth to sextuplets before you could say, ‘Hakuna Matata’. ‘You’ve lost me, Simba, how d’you figure?’ riposted Nala.
‘The newspapers are full of it, didn’t you see?’ screamed Simba. ‘This Judge Sharma said so in court, and judges are wise, you know, like those dreadful owls. They read all those fat, leather-bound books, and fill their heads with all this fantastic information about caveats, sections, torts, misdemeanours and other legal minutiae. Gosh, I could cry when I think of all that wasted effort, when a couple of teardrops would have done the trick just as efficiently.’
‘Don’t you dare’, cried Nala. ‘Cry, I mean. I can’t risk getting stuck with another litter. Anyway, shhh. Don’t say a word. Here come Mr. & Mrs. Proudy and Pretty Peacock. Hullo, Proudy and Pretty, how are the two of you doing? My, my Pretty, you do look all flushed and rosy. What gives?’
‘What can I say, Nala. I am so terribly excited. Proudy and I have been trying for the past year and more to raise a family. As the country’s national bird, it was our bounden duty to contribute our mite to propagate the species. Every time I felt nauseous, I thought “at last we’ve done it”, but it always turned out to be a false alarm. Something I ate, I expect. We visited all the Murugan temples, perhaps the prasadam was a bit off. I am Kartikeyan’s vaahanam, you know.’ ‘I know, I know’, intoned an excited Nala. “Then what happened?’
‘Well, I don’t quite know how to put this. I was feeling down and out, and so was Proudy. As I gently placed my head on his comforting shoulders, his emotions got the better of him, and the moist tears began to roll on to my shoulders,’ said Pretty, holding back her own tears. Nala and Simba exchanged knowing glances. ‘I think I know what’s coming. You tell us, child’ chimed in Simba, in avuncular tones.
‘It’s a miracle’, cried Proudy. ‘Next thing we knew, Pretty was sick all over the place, but this time we could hear the lovely instrumental music in the background, and we just knew. It’s all down to the all- knowing Murugan’s blessings’.
Simba, Nala, Proudy and Pretty then joined hands and performed a few lovely dance steps to the tune of Colonel Haathi’s March. All the other creatures in the forest rushed to this joyous spot to join in the celebrations. They were beside themselves with happiness for their beautiful feathered friends. Word had quickly got round that a miracle solution had been discovered for those desirous of wishing to start a family. Squirrels, jackals, tigers, elephants, deer and even the prolific rabbits could be seen gathering in couples and crying their eyes out over each other’s shoulders. Tears of joy have never flowed more copiously in the jungle.
Justice Mahesh Chandra Sharma, the man who started this whole rigmarole, when approached by the international media and asked how he came upon this extraordinary gynaecological revelation, replied simply, ‘You see my friends, this is India and we do things differently here. Never mock what you do not understand. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to rush home and sob into my wife’s lap. God will take care of the rest.’
(The author is a brand consultant who likes music, cricket and good humour)
