Many of us have found ourselves on the road and in the company of a fellow traveller who happens to be a lady. Some might think this is a great thing, while for others it’s a pain. Either way, etiquette is mandatory.
The first thing you must remember when a lady happens to be a co-passenger is to give her space. If she is a stranger then this is crucial. And if you know her, you will also know whether you are acquainted enough to be a shoulder pillow or just the causal grab you when a dog crosses in front of the vehicle person. The good thing is that women don’t smell, somehow managing to avoid bodily odours — something I can rarely say about the general Indian male population, even in business class — so the space you give will soon be filled with gentle wafts of something floral and fresh.
Another thing, and especially if the accompanying lady is part of your troupe, is to slow down. You can’t just run and catch the train as it leaves the platform. That only happens in Hindi films and even then the actors have training to do such stunt duggery. So, slow it down. If you have 10 minutes to walk to the platform, factor in 15. If there are shops at the station, add 15 minutes extra. If one of them happens to be a shoe shop selling men’s shoes and I am traveling with you, add another 30.
Never carry one big bag. Divide the load into a 65:35 ratio. That is most efficient. She takes the smaller and you both make great time. Change the ratio and it slows you down overall. This is a very precise calculation. I have done this many times to statistically prove its foolproof-ability.
In cases where weight redistribution is not possible, always offer to carry the heavier bag. Sure she can lift it, and keep up with you too, but you don’t want her to do that. I have now started buying backpacks that can accommodate two laptops.
When stuck with an option of two modes of transport, choose the one with the cleaner toilets. Rule of thumb: no arguments there. Men can piss-cursive on any wall but women need to sit, or at worst, hover, through the entire performance. A small smelly hole in the floor isn’t going to get them in the mood for anything pleasant. So if you want to ensure that the holiday mood lingers, look for a clean toilet.
A lady can never have enough. I know the feeling, like when I was stuck on a weekend trip with only three pairs! Her shoes barely take up space and weigh less than my left shoe anyway! Make-up is one thing that really has no limit.
The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine
