If you think times are hard, spare a thought for the hapless selectors of the "India Rising Summit". Tasked with the burden of finding the brightest bulb in the national chandelier to dispel the encircling gloom and bring cheer into the lives of a morose, scandal-ridden public, they had their work cut out for them. With Dawoodbhai having taken a back-seat to Niravbhai, the think-tank were seated with furrowed brow until the tea break when an unidentified bureaucrat, inspired by the heady elixir of Earl Grey, leapt to his feet and said, "Eureka, let's call Kangana Ranaut." I cannot claim first-hand knowledge but feel reasonably sure that a thunderous round of applause greeted this inspired choice.
And if you don't believe me, here is the star of "Simran" holding forth on the burning issues of the day. "I have come to the conclusion that my only identity is Indian. As a youth, I want to see growth in my life. If India does not grow then I won't grow." Gadzooks, unfortunately Prof Hawking has shuffled off this mortal coil and is not in a position to advise us on growth hormone deficiencies and other black holes in the large Hadron Collider of Ms Runout's brain.
Admirably she left no cliché unturned in her attempt to shower rose-petals of wit and wisdom on her grateful audience who lapped it up with the enthusiasm a socialite may have displayed for one of Niravbhai's fabled creations. Here she is on the subject of nation-building, "I said in some interview that I am a nationalist.
People said 'oh you are that type of a person'. I was like 'what do you mean by that kind?' I personally feel that there is a confusion(sic) between these words.
"Before all of this, I hadn't even heard of the term nationalism. The good thing is that at least the word has got out. You can have a choice whether you want to believe in it or not". Ok, that's sorted then, one small word added to Kangana's vocabulary, one giant leap for the country. Xi Jinping, back off dude, we've discovered the N-word and we're gonna nuke you with it. Fu Manchu.
Ms Ranaut went on to confess that she is a "fan" of Prime Minister, Narendra Modi and said that women in the country need to have right role models.
Diamonds may be a girl's best friend but one can't be too right, pun intended. "I don't read paper but am a big Modi fan because of his success story. I mean the graph and the ambition of an ordinary man and whenever we have a PM who is a chaiwala, then I always say that it is not his victory but it is the victory of our democracy." You may snigger, dear reader, but one has to applaud the magnificent throwaway of "whenever." Clearly we have been shortchanged as a nation with former leaders dispensing laddus or boning up on growth curves at the LSE; anyone not on the Darjeeling Express was clearly a waste of time.
Addressing the controversy surrounding Pakistani artists working in India, Kangana clarified that the artistic world is different from the physical world. Really, you think?
"Artistic realm is different from physical realm. When you are talking about physical boundaries and borders, why be esoteric. You should know about a place where people are losing lives. The country is vulnerable, people are struggling and trying to cope with emotions. The common sentiment is 'Humko kya Lena dena, hum toh artist hai'. This is not going to work. Above everything, you are Indians and when you are talking about boundaries, you can't say 'I am an artist'," was her uncompromising stance. Man up guys, turn your paintbrush into an AK 47, nothing else is going to make Kangs a happy camper.
She also wondered (shades of Alice?) why people have a problem with standing up for the anthem. "The Americans stand. Why to feel ashamed of standing? If you want to learn something from Americans, then learn good things from them," she said. Ok, standing is good, how about hamburgers and assault rifles?
Lest there were any lingering doubts on the fire in her belly, Kangana clarified, "I am going to stand for anthem. Whenever there is something then I am going to side with my country, my soldiers, my army and I am a cool youngster if 21st century." Translation, please? She's in the army now, wohoowo, she's in the army, no-ow.
But the bulk of her fury was reserved for Critic Roshans who whine about infrastructure and cleanliness, "I meet people (it's good to know her asylum has a progressive visitors policy) and it has become a cool thing to say bad things about your country. I hear youths always complaining and whining that 'the country does not have infrastructure and it is so dirty'. This attitude is not okay. If the country is dirty, then are you the guests? Why don't you clean it?"
On the subject of her love life, Kangana confided that her latest affair has ended due to her beau's unfortunate choice of a term of endearment: "psycho". "You burst into tears every time you kiss and you are called a psycho?" I was confused until light dawned: clearly she has moved on from hapless Hrithik to Georgy Porgie...
