Indians revere the cow. At least large swathes of the country do. Others recognise the importance of the cow, but theological reverence does not come into their equation. Not a day passes without this gentle bovine creature that provides nourishment for the human species by way of milk and meat (but that’s another story!) dominating the news headlines in India. If one were to introduce the sensitive meat motif into the discourse, then one must necessarily talk of the benefits accruing to millions, including the national exchequer, through the export of leather and dairy produce. Politicians across divides cross swords over whether the cow is to be treated as divinity or as a lucrative source of income as just adumbrated. The constitution of India, and many don’t know this, actually protects the sacred cow from being harmed, but try telling Mamata Banerjee that, though she and others of her ilk may have a point as to why such a clause was introduced into the constitution in the first place, in a multi-cultural, secular nation like ours, and mostly observed in the breach with impunity. But I digress.
The purpose of this piece is not to dive into an intellectual debate on the pros and cons of cow slaughter. We will leave that to our garrulous politicians, news anchors and op-ed gurus to hyperventilate. I was tickled pink to read in the newspapers this somewhat awkward, pun-filled but arresting headline, Cow toilets in Netherlands aim to cut e-moo-ssions. That’s about as cringe-inducing a pun as it gets, but I shan’t quibble over the mysterious ways sub-editors move their wonders to perform. Or not. My sensitive eye detects the absence of the compulsory definite article in front of (the) Netherlands, but I shall loftily ignore this faux pas, as semi-literacy has become the order of the day amongst our media folk. Just Holland would have been simpler, obviating grammar issues.
Back to cow toilet training. It would appear that a Dutch inventor is applying his considerable intellect to develop a bovine urinal with the laudable aim of cutting emissions detrimental to the environment. Henk Hanskamp, the estimable Dutch business magnate, the brains behind the ‘cow toilet’ idea proclaims that ‘cows are never going to be completely clean but you can teach them to go to the toilet.’ The journalist who posted this news item goes on to gush about the revolutionary toilet, describing it as “udderly” ingenious. God save us from punsters! Ingenious, nevertheless, is the mot juste. There’s more solid (and liquid) stuff from Mr. Hanskamp. (I am not averse to a spot of punning myself, in moderation). Apparently, the urinal is in a box placed behind the cow, while in front is a feeding trough. Once the animal has finished its meal, a robotic arm stimulates a nerve near the udders, which then prompts the cow to pee in a state of bliss. This helps to separate the urine from the solid manure, thus resulting in considerably reducing ammonia emission, addressing the problem at the very source! Brilliant! Mr. Hanskamp is definitely in line for the Dutch equivalent of a knighthood. One final word on this great invention. Evidently the cows have grown accustomed to this new method of doing their number one job. ‘They recognize the box, lift their tails and pee.’ Good girl! The surrounding ground area is thus kept dry, and the environment is free of pollution. For a broad understanding of the issue, I am making the logical assumption that the word cow is being employed generically and includes the male gender, namely, the bull as well. Though that will ruin the “udderly” pun.
At this point it would be but natural to turn one’s attention to cows and India, and the literal and metaphorical heat the animal generates on a daily basis inside our country’s political corridors. Why not take a leaf out of Mr. Hanskamp’s book, perhaps even invite the good man to visit our country and give us the benefit of his wisdom on how to tackle the less endearing aspects of cows loitering about aimlessly, chewing the cud and doing their business all over the place, particularly in many states where the ban on cow slaughter is being enforced vigorously with no solution in sight as to where to house the extra cattle now free to roam.
Doubtless this may come about sometime in the future, though I shan’t be holding my breath.
My thoughts, as a result of learning about the Dutch cow revolution, turn to other domestic creatures of the animal kingdom we are more accustomed to living with in our own homes. In particular, I had our canine friends in mind. All that puppy toilet training involving placing newspapers in our balconies, and the doggie taking it into its head to relieve itself wherever its heart desires, causing much domestic strife and tension. How much more convenient if we could just persuade our Rover or Lassie to sit on the potty. We can always provide a newspaper for it to read, like we humans do, if it enables the bowels to move satisfactorily.
After all, dogs are supposed to be the most trainable creatures on earth, and yet we are stirred from our beds at the witching hour to take them ‘walkies.’ Are you listening Mr. Hanskamp? Why don’t you bend your considerable brain to dogs and loos? A grateful world of dog lovers will shower you with riches beyond your wildest dreams.
From a purely Indian perspective, may I also request Mr. Hanskamp to apply his mind to the cow’s number two business? Indians use cow excrement for all kinds of utilitarian and religious purposes. The holy vibhuti (ash), for instance, is sourced from dried cow-pat. All I ask is can the cow be likewise trained to deposit its potty in some convenient receptacle? India waits with bated breath.
