India is well on its way to becoming the most populous country on this planet by the year 2050. Several factors have contributed to this dubious distinction: Arnab Goswami, TV serials, the Kama Sutra, lousy contraceptive methods (KS again?) and frequent load-shedding being foremost among them. (This last reason gave rise to that oft-repeated question, 'Where were you when the lights went out?') But, there is another far more potent reason for our 'teeming millions' according to my American friend, Chip. Gun control and the obvious corollary: self-control. Although it is hard to deny that any self-respecting person exposed to Arnabic hysteria would opt for more rigorous birth-control methods.
According to statistics presented by the National Crime Records Bureau, gun-related deaths increased from 3,063 to 3,655 between 2010 and 2014. To put it in perspective, the number was ten times higher in 2013 in the USA. The NCRB claims only 14% of the victims in 2014 in India were killed by licensed guns (which may not have been of much consolation to the victims), while the rest were killed by illegal weapons. An American is 12 times more likely to be killed by a firearm than an Indian, based on data collated by Gun Policy, a global gun watch group.
Chip feels we don't have enough guns. Plus, we're far too placid and accepting. 'No problem' is our national mantra when confronted with anything from trains that don't run, toilets that don't flush and courts that don't work. What John le Carre had to say about Russia holds good for India as well: When things work, we are pathetically grateful. When they don't work, that's life.
The average gun-toting Yank, on the other hand, with his constitutionally protected right to bear arms, is unfettered by any wussy, pacifist, ahimsa b*llsh*t. If someone p**ses him off, he's toast. Wham, blam, thank you mam. Guy behind you in heavy traffic is giving you serious grief by honking. Time you bought him a lead lunch. Step out of your pickup and boom, just blow him away with your .38 Police Special. Or say you're a passionate right-to-lifer and there's this doctor you know who performs abortions: Sayonara, dude. Or maybe you're homophobic and this gay guy elbows you at the foot ballgame - it's goodnight Irene.
A recent survey conducted after the Columbine high school massacre revealed that one in every five American kids carries a weapon to school. This is probably why most anxious American mothers write letters to their local Congressman complaining that school bags have become too heavy. 'Guns don't kill people. People do,' is the slogan that passes for wisdom at National Rifle Association (NRA) meetings. Concealed weapons, automatic weapons, assault rifles…any proposal to have them banned is promptly shot down, if you'll pardon a particularly atrocious pun. The only role the NRA allows the government is to set reasonable standards for behavior and something called "significant harm". I guess being shot and wounded as opposed to being killed is considered significant; just like being a little bit pregnant?
To get back to Chip, his radical solution to India's population problem is to license guns. 'Dude just open up the market and put guns on your OGL scheme. Some guy goes to pay his house tax or his property registered, like, whatever. Some bureaucrat gives him grief, boom. Property dispute, wow, you guys talk about it for generations. Met a guy who hadn't spoken to his aunt all his life 'cos they had some beef back in1917 about the family property. I'd a just wasted her, man. I've heard of a hundred year war, but who in heck has a hundred year discussion? What about this Sahara dude? We had a day trader who dropped a bundle on the market: he just showed up one day at work and took out half the accounts department with his Uzi. Now that would be the guy to let loose out here in Dalal Street.'
Given the passage of time, I am not as earnest, caring and committed as I was in my youth, so I didn't shoot Chip. Or give him a lecture on Gandhian values. I merely pointed out being an ancient civilization we didn't do our own killing. We outsource a Mudaliar, Dawood or a Tony to handle our dirty work. Lest anyone's sentiments be hurt, please note that my cast of gangsters contains the politically correct Amar, Akbar Anthony element.
