I've been clear that Brexit means Brexit. Theresa May.
Help me someone. Anyone. I am trying to get my head around Brexit. Ditto the term Backstop. Thus far I have met with little success. Broadly, I have been able to come to grips with the complex situation that Great Britain and Northern Ireland are faced with on the issue of Brexit, always assuming I know what Brexit entails, which I am not sure I do. This, of course, does not include the Republic of Ireland, which is an independent nation in its own right, free of Brexit. Now where all this leaves the United Kingdom is another conundrum one is grappling with. One small country and one even smaller country, and there is so much confusion just on the issue of nomenclature. Yesteryear British comedian Michael Flanders posited a simple rule of thumb. Whenever the island nation enjoyed a victory in some branch of sport, the newspapers will scream, 'Another triumph for Great Britain'. However, if they lose a Test Match, the headline will read, 'England loses again.'
Clearly, Scotland and Wales don't figure in the equation. I warned you it was complex.
All this and more one picks up on a daily basis on the BBC. Indian news channels are too tied up with their own elections and too many other shenanigans to worry about what is going on in Shakespeare's 'scepter'd isle.' That is, if you don't include our TV cameras' lascivious attentions on the movements and whereabouts of Vijay Mallya and Nirav Modi - Regent Street and Bond Street being their preferred locations to keep evading prying cameras with a phlegmatic 'no comment.'
This is my understanding of Brexit, for what it's worth. In June 2016, Britain went to vote on whether their country should stay within the European Union or devolve from it and become a lone wolf, charting its own future without worrying about people waltzing into their country from the rest of Europe to find employment and put down roots. As a frequent tourist to the UK (I like calling it UK), I have in recent years been appalled at having to speak English with various boys and girls in shops and other establishments who have not the foggiest notion of what I am saying. I would have been better off with Serbian, Greek or some such lingo, which my finishing school did not prepare me for. So my cheery 'I say old fruit, top o' the morning to you, think you can fix me a delicious hot chocolate, there's a good lad', is met with a blank stare and a hesitant, 'You want fruit or chocolate, Sir? I will bring menu.'
Not a day passes when there isn't some vote or the other being discussed passionately in the House of Commons with reference to Brexit.
What is even more confusing is that the nation voted in favour of quitting the European Community by the narrowest of margins, though the much bruised and battered Theresa May actually voted to remain in the EU. She now struggles against considerable odds to find an amicable solution.
Then again, they keep talking about Brussels and you do some homework before it dawns on you that, being the HQ of the European Community, Brussels is where all the policy pronouncements sprout from, if you'll excuse the lame pun (Brussels sprouts, dumbo). In between all the hoopla, the likes of Merkel, Macaron and other European leaders keep horning in, some to help the hapless British PM, and others to put a spoke in the wheel.
On top of everything else there's the enemy within, scheming in front of May's gates. Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, not May's greatest pal, is in no mood to make things easy for her. The irony is that Theresa has to cosy up to the unrelenting Jeremy in her quest for a solution. And Brussels is losing patience. But who the hell does Brussels think it is anyway, is what most Britons seem to be asking. I can't throw any light on this point because I haven't a clue what's going on. So I thought the best thing would be to call up one of my English friends and pose some questions on this vexed issue, and see if he had a better handle on the subject.
His name is Julian, but I'll call him John for the sake of anonymity.
Me - 'Morning John, what gives? Can you explain to me in simple terms what this Brexit imbroglio is all about? I mean, who are the principal players, what are the main issues involved and why is everyone in Great Britain and Northern Ireland and Brussels getting themselves into a right royal twist over it?'
John - 'Ah, the "B word." By which I don't just mean Brexit. There's also Brexit's twin brother Backstop, which is gaining currency.'
Me - 'You took the word out of my mouth. That's two "B words." Where does Backstop come into it, and what is it anyway?'
John - 'Good question. Wish I knew the answer. Apparently Backstop is an American baseball term, which we are employing to define the movement of goods between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland, and how to manage that, post Brexit. That may be rubbish, but everyone keeps saying Backstop, because it sounds frightfully impressive. Like you know something about it.'
Me - 'Now you've cleared that up, let's get back to Brexit. Your PM keeps going back to Parliament "one more time" to sort out this mess. Will she survive?'
John - 'Maggie Thatcher, when asked if she might make a U-turn, famously retorted, "You turn if you want to. The Lady's not for turning." Theresa seems an equally tough egg, but she may have come to the end of her tether. A thousand pities, because she has lovely grey hair and a nice voice.'
Me - 'Thank you John, for explaining Brexit so clearly.'
