As we look back at the Olympic Games at Rio, we have a lot to be proud about. We had a whopping big contingent of 117 players. We took all of them to the Games by plane — flying them all the way from here to Rio. By economy, of course — we couldn’t possibly get fancy tickets for all, there were so many officials going, who are used to business class. Not like these athletes and people. They were just so happy to be in a plane and going to the Olympics! They didn’t even miss their personal physio or coach. Achchha laga. It was good to see them so excited. It was great fun! Bahut mazaa aaya. Of course, there were some firangs complaining — we were too loud, they said, too pushy, too rude. We lounged about drinking all day, they said, and tried getting into restricted areas to meet contestants without permit. Arre bhai, that’s hardly rude. Who doesn’t want to take it easy on a holiday? Besides, as the saying goes, when in Rio do as Romeos do, right?
But the Olympic organisers were so strange, they threatened to cancel the accreditation of our sports minister and withdraw his privileges at the Games. Imagine! If this was back in India we could have slapped a sedition charge on them. And after all the trouble our sports minister was taking. He was so encouraging — tweeting congratulations and best wishes to contestants. So what if he spelt Dipa Karmakar as Karmanakar? It’s just a silly typo! Yes, the meaning changes from “One who works” to “One who does not work” — but it would be wrong to believe that our ministers have a natural preference for the “One who does not work”. He gets a little confused at times. He tweeted his best wishes to Srabani Nanda with a photo of Dutee Chand before the 100 m sprint — but these girls are so alike, no?
What, you don’t think so? Dutee you say is quite different? Oh yes. Of course. Quite different. That’s why we banned her from competing no? She has too much testes-to-run. But then she went to the International Court of Arbitration for Sports, and managed to convince them that the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federations) was discriminating against females based on male hormones. So the IAAF had to change their testes-to-run policy for two years. Yes, yes, it’s temporary only. They have to prove by next year that women with too much male hormones have an unfair advantage while competing with regular women. Take South Africa’s Caster Semenya, for example. She won the 800 m gold at Rio. Sure, she is very fast — but is she fully a woman? She was banned from competing for a while, but then the CAS set aside the IAAF rule. Now you have to let them all in! Our Dutee too got in because of CAS. But even with all her testes-to-run she couldn’t qualify for the semi-finals!
But it was good we took some girls along. They did quite well, no? For girls, I mean. Of course Dipa Karmakar missed her bronze. But she is a good girl. She was very apologetic about it. And she did a good somersault — a death somersault it is called. But she didn’t die, thank god. Anyway, our team’s chief medical officer was a fine radiologist, and would know when to give a Combiflam. Besides, his father is the vice-president of the Indian Olympic Association. He would certainly know what to do if there was a medical emergency. Oh yes, we also won medals. Two medals! We got the first Olympic silver for badminton. You must have seen that match between P.V. Sindhu and the Spaniard? Yes, Sindhu missed out on the gold, but she was so energetic. And she looked good in yellow, no?
We also won a bronze in wrestling. Sakshi Malik was good. We chose well. Of course she wasn’t our first choice, that was Geeta Phogat. But Geeta was suspended for indiscipline, so the Haryanvi Sakshi came along. Anyway, our girls were good. And we are so good to our girls. But still people will say we discriminate against them, and talk about foeticide, dowry, female malnutrition and all that. So unfair! On a serious note, life is unfair. So is sports. There is a well-meaning attempt to make the Games fair. Men and women are separated, players are classified according to physical qualities — like weight, in boxing or wrestling. But do intersex players or those with hyperandrogenism have an unfair advantage over other female athletes? There is no proof that the female body can use those extra male hormones.
Male athletes have an advantage because they have leaner body mass, bigger muscles, limbs, lungs and heart, narrower hips and more red blood cells than females. And there is proof that long legs, strong muscles, good nutrition, good training give you a definite edge. Players from India suffer from several disadvantages anyway — they have to try much harder to achieve what comes easily to well-fed, well-trained and well looked after players from most countries that take sports seriously. Maybe the sports ministry should encourage private enterprise to be more active in sports. Poverty-stricken girls and boys come into sports for the food, the money, the jobs that the ministry provides. People like Dutee, the daughter of illiterate weavers, who practised running barefoot because she didn’t have shoes. But getting a job on a sports quota doesn’t prepare you for the Olympics.
The danger is, a lack of proper training facilities coupled with the lure of huge prize money for medal winners encourages doping. About 100 players are caught doping every year. We need to take it very seriously. Why did we not choose wrestler Sushil Kumar, who has two Olympic medals, instead of Narsingh Yadav, who had failed the dope test and once in Rio was disqualified for four years? If sports is about celebrating ability and performance we need to salute talent and hone a player’s skill, and not let either politics or irrelevant hormones get in the way. A level-playing field can only be an approximation — let’s aspire for that without banning people with outstanding abilities. By the way, did you know that Michael Phelps produces fish hormones which make him so fast in water? And that Usain Bolt has the testosterone levels of a cheetah?
