Farrukh Dhondy | What Kamala has to do to put The Donald on the mat, and make history!

In life, in love or through that half-closed door --

It’s like trying to catch a whiff of smoke

You can describe the past but can’t explore

In words or phrases things you haven’t seen --

No selfies taken where you haven’t been

O Bachchoo, no regrets for what is past

Memory nudges, nothing can wipe it clean…”

From Voices of the Rubaiyat of Dawn, by Bachchoo

I think it was Bing Crosby who famously in Hollywood claimed that he was decades younger than he was. One film writer even turned it into a joke: He and his comedic partner Bob Hope were lined up to be shot by a firing squad. As the rifles were raised, Hope protested: “I am too young to die. I’m just twenty-five (or something) and my friend here is…” And before he can finish, Crosby emits a low whistle and shakes his downturned palms before his waist, indicating that he’d rather this was kept under wraps.

The age of concealment has passed. The Internet can tell any enquirer precisely when you were born.

And so, gentle reader, I can do other but admit that I am aged somewhere between Joe Biden and Donald Wigwarm Trump. That’s not a problem as I have no intention of standing for President of the United States -- even though I’m perfectly compos and not, like either of those bumblers penile… err… I mean.. seasick... no… sorry… venile?... umm --- it’s something to do with a river in Germany… or was it Sheba -- ah yes “Nile” …. Seanile ... see?

Absolutely complomentis!”

Yes, Joe’s campaign has been hijacked by age and now it’s Trumpet’s turn. I must admit I am not friends or even familiar with this Kamala Patel who is now almost certainly the Labourcrats nominee for President of Ukraine but I know she is only in her teens... (Stop this nonsense, the joke wears thin --Ed. Little bit humour is keeping doctor away, yaar --fd. Ok, OK!)

What I mean is that Ms Harris can wield her comparative youth as a weapon against Trumpy-Rumpy-Pumpy. She has already said that as she was a prosecuting attorney she has come across rapists, fraudsters and other convicted criminals, so she knows exactly who her opponent is.

I am certain her team will alight upon the age difference and search every pronouncement of Pumpy’s for faux pas which can be related to age. He hasn’t yet called President Zelenskyy “President Putin” in an international leaders’ forum, but he did say God was directing the bullets of his would-be assassin. If God was, would he have missed?

Kamala Harris’ candidacy has, I admit, stirred something in my very shallow depths. I insist that I have no nationalistic sentiments apart from “Bharat Maata Ki Jai”; hoping that the English cricket and football teams win -- and of course watching the Hindi film Chak De several times. And yet, the ascent of Kamala indicates to me that the Indian diaspora is making its remarkable mark now in an acceptable way.

The ascent to the UK government of Hedgie Sunak, Ugly Patel and Cruella Cowardperson gave me absolutely no feeling of being a fellow Indian. I was kind of ashamed. What struck me as they scrambled up this inhumane, right-wing Tory ladder with policies of division, “Rwanda” and disastrous cronyism that the three of them came from families which had emigrated to Africa. Did they inherit, from these families, which subsequently emigrated to Britain, attitudes which inclined them towards this right-wing, Brexitian, xenophobic Toryism?

Like most people in our wide world, I have no idea what Kamalaji will do if indeed she does become the first female President of the United States.

What I do feel certain of, is that whatever she does, it will in my estimation be different and more acceptable, to whatever degree, than the vengeful, racist misogyny of the convicted criminal, the fist-raising demagogue Trumpy-Pumpy!

After the bullet grazed his ear, Frump declared that he would set out his vision of unity for America, but that struck me as being akin to travelling at twice the speed of light. (Umm… Einstein said you couldn’t exceed it. See? My physics degrees come in use here!). Of course, Wigwarm meant that he would unite the nation once he won. But what, as is now perfectly possible, if he lost to Kamala and whichever V-P she chooses?

Hell hath no fury like the MAGGGA (Make America Go Gag-Ga Again?) twice spurned. The January 6 (2021) attack on the Capitol will take on the demeanour of several vicars’ tea parties. Err… what was it called, the thing that Lincoln had to contend with? Ah! “Civil War”? In our world’s most boastful nation about democracy and the Constitution?

Ho ho!

Perhaps, following the noble, self-sacrificial example of Sleepy Joe, the Republican Party, aware of this dire possibility, will persuade Donald to stand down and support a younger candidate? (FD, what drugs are you on? -- Please e-mail me your dealer’s number! --Ed)

Apart from choosing the right V-P for her ticket, formulating a dynamic popular manifesto and recruiting Hollywood and baseball stars to support her, Kamala should get Joe Biden to appoint immediately the chiefs of all the armed forces who will remain 100 per cent loyal to the Constitution and the democratic process.

Not a joke, this last suggestion.