Fab ‘fighter-craft’ for love not war

Avoidants treat conflict like an unwanted email—they’d rather ignore it than deal with it. They might shut down, change the subject, or suddenly become “too tired” to talk. Their goal? To maintain peace, even if it means brushing things under the rug.

People with this fighting style often grew up in environments where conflict felt overwhelming or unproductive. They believe avoiding arguments keeps the relationship stable, but in reality, it creates emotional distance. Over time, resentment builds, and unspoken issues start to weigh down the relationship.

Psychologist Dr. Meera Kapoor explains, “Avoidants often fear that bringing up issues will lead to a fight, so they stay silent. But silence doesn’t mean the issue disappears— it just builds tension.”

• Giving the silent treatment

• Saying “It’s fine” when it’s not fine

• Agreeing just to end the conversation (but feeling resentful later)

How to improve: Instead of shutting down, try saying, “I need a little time to process this, but I want to talk about it later.” This reassures your partner that you’re not ignoring the issue—you just need space to gather your thoughts.

Confrontational fighters see argu- ments as a way to clear the air. They believe every issue should be tackled and resolved as soon as possible. Silence frustrates them, and leaving things unresolved feels unbearable.

While their intentions are good (“Let’s fix this before it gets worse”), their intensity can overwhelm avoidant partners. Instead of resolving the conflict, they end up chasing their partner into emotional retreats, making things worse.

Software engineer Rahul Mehta, 30, admits, “I used to ruin date nights by insisting we talk about problems immediately. I thought fixing things on the spot was the best way, but I learned that waiting until the right time makes the conversation more productive.”

• Insisting on discussing the issue right now

• Raising their voice when they feel unheard

• Expecting instant resolution to every problem

How to improve: Give your partner space instead of demanding an immediate resolution. Try saying, “I know this is important, so let’s set a time to talk when we’re both ready.” This prevents the conversation from feeling like an ambush.

Passive-aggressive fighters avoid confrontation, but that doesn’t mean they let things go. Instead, they express their frustration through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or subtle jabs. Their goal is to make their partner feel the issue without saying it outright. This style often stems from discomfort with direct confrontation. However, subtle digs don’t solve problems—they just create confusion, resentment, and unnecessary tension.

• Making sarcastic remarks instead of addressing issues directly • Giving backhanded compliments (“Oh, you finally decided to text me back?”)

• Withholding affection or communication as a form of punishment

How to improve: Be upfront about your feelings instead of expecting your partner to read between the lines. Instead of a sarcastic remark, try saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t text me back, and I’d like to talk about it.”

For competitive fighters, an argument isn’t just a discussion—it’s a battle. Their goal isn’t just to solve the issue but to win the argument. They are quick to point out flaws, counter every statement, and sometimes even bring up past conflicts to prove their point. While they may have strong reasoning skills, their need to be right often leaves their partner feeling unheard and defensive. Instead of strengthening the relationship, competitive arguing turns conflicts into power struggles.

Dr. Kapoor warns, “Competitive fighters often see arguments as win-lose situations, but in relationships, the goal s hould be understanding, not victory. If one person wins and the other feels unheard, both partners ultimately lose.”

• Interrupting or talking over their partner

• Bringing up past arguments as “evidence”

• Turning discussions into debates rather than conversations

How to improve: Instead of focusing on “winning,” shift your mindset to understanding. Try asking your partner, “What do you need from me right now?” This turns the argument into a collaborative effort instead of a competition.

Accommodators prioritize their partner’s feelings over their own. They are willing to sacrifice their own needs just to keep the peace while suppressing their true emotions. Over time accommodators can start feeling unappreciated, unheard, or even resentful. This fighting style is common among people who fear conflict or rejection. They believe that avoiding disagreement makes them a better partner, but in reality, it can lead to an imbalance in the relationship.

• Apologizing even when they’re not at fault

• Saying “It’s okay” when it’s not okay

• Avoiding expressing personal needs to keep the other person happy

How to improve: Recognize that your feelings and needs are just as impor- tant as your partner’s. Instead of always giving in, practice saying, “I understand your point, but I’d also like to share how I feel about this.” This helps create a more balanced and honest dynamic.

No matter your fighting style, the key to a happy relationship is never arguing—it’s learning how to argue in a way that strengthens your bond instead of breaking it. Valentine’s Day is a great reminder that love isn’t just about grand gestures—it’s also about the everyday work of understanding, respecting, and growing with each other.

Relationship coach Tania D’Souza, 32, advises, “Valentine’s Day is a reminder to celebrate love, but also to check in on how you handle conflict. The healthiest couples aren’t the ones who never fight—they’re the ones who fight with respect and understanding.” So this year, whether you’re enjoying a candlelit dinner, watching romcoms in pyjamas, or hashing out a disagreement over dessert, remember: real love isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about handling it with care!