Life and challenges go hand in hand for everyone. And while we have our own ways to deal with it, there are those who just can’t, and they give up.
But giving up does not automatically mean you are a bad person or a failure. Giving up can indicate that you are mature enough to recognise when to cut your losses and move on in order to safeguard your mental health, or that you are willing to face the risk of changing paths.
Over emphasis
There used to be an overemphasis on the “never give up” notion, says Era Dutta, consultant psychologist, TEDx speaker, and founder of Mind Wellness. “This stemmed not only from demonstrating determination and grit but also from the societal belief that ‘if you quit, you aren’t strong, determined, and perseverant enough’,” she says.
On the other hand, she reminds me of the age-old proverb, “Live to fight another day.”
“While no one usually likes to leave a job unfinished, every now and then you need to, and perhaps you must. It may even lead to a cool-off period, leading you to come back with vengeance, bounce back with enthusiasm, or realise that what you were chasing was never the end goal after all,” says Era.
This could be in the case of that relationship that isn’t working out, but you are refusing to let go, or that work goal that you have tied your identity so badly to that it is hurting you now, she says.
“Or even your attempt to chase goals you “think” will eventually lead to happiness, but the pursuit itself is full of incomparable pain compared to the gain,” adds Era.
Success & quitting
Supraja Rao, founder and Principal Designer of Hyderabad-based studio Design House, is someone who has always told herself that success is one step beyond quitting and has taken those one step, ten steps, and hundred steps and reached far.
“I’ve made several attempts at other businesses or things in life that didn’t succeed, and I realised it’s not my cup of tea or the timing is not right, and I did let it go,” she says.
Supraja believes that when you start doing something, there is an excitement that you feel you are capable of or that you believe is where your passion is, but after a while, whether it is months or years, you realise that you are not really cut out for it and that it is not the side of you that you want to nurture, encourage, cultivate, and grow, and that is when you must let go.
So one of the things she let go of and gave up was the fact that she established Rajeshwar Rao Art Gallery, Hyderabad’s first private art gallery, in 1991. “I was ahead of time, and the market was not fully mature. I was young; I ran the gallery for a few years but eventually understood the time was not ideal. So, I let go of it,” says Supraja, who truly believed that art was behind me, and she spent the better part of two decades focusing on design.
The renowned architect and designer says art reappeared in her life in a modest manner, and she was still nervous, wondering, “Oh, I am a full-time designer.”
“I don’t think I have enough bandwidth or time. And, gradually, baby steps and five years later Kadari Art Gallery has become gallery to look out for. We have e-commerce, and I’m astonished that, after being a busy interior designer, it came back to me. So, sometimes timing is everything in life,” smiles Supraja.
Supraja’s story serves as a reminder that success is not always a linear path and that being open to change and adaptation can lead to unexpected and fulfilling outcomes. It’s a testament to the power of perseverance, self-reflection, and embracing new opportunities that come our way.
Trust your intuition
Anupa Reddy, founder and creative director, Deetales Design Studio has given up on things that weren’t helping her, whether it was a toxic relationship or a dead-end career. Letting go allowed her to focus on things that were actually important and fit with her ideals.
“It taught me the value of self-care and trusting my intuition. You embrace your hobbies and follow your dreams with unyielding conviction, knowing that the only boundaries are those you set for yourself.”
And as you move on, you understand that the life you once pictured pales in contrast to the one unfolding in front of you.
“A life filled with infinite possibilities, endless adventure, and the profound satisfaction of knowing that you are living your truth finally transformed me. It empowered me to make decisions that promote personal growth and fulfilment,” says Anupa.
Letting go taught her resilience and courage, demonstrating that she had the strength to overcome obstacles and live a life of joy and contentment. “So let go and bravely venture into the unknown. On the other side of fear, there is a life beyond your wildest dreams waiting to be discovered,” says Anupa.
For Yamini Reddy, a Kuchipudi dancer, teacher, choreographer, and director of Natya Tarangini, life changed after having her son.
“I had to sacrifice a lot of my personal life and travel to balance my job and family. It was difficult because I was always on the run before this. I had limited my travel, which was strictly necessary,” she says.
However, life has shifted in a great way. “Arjun has brought so much joy into my life. For me, this stage of life represents an investment of time and energy in creating a future of love and pleasure,” says Yamini.
Psychological phenomena of “giving up”:
Learned Helplessness: Martin Seligman, an American psychologist, developed his learned helplessness theory with a classical conditioning experiment using dogs. He noticed that the dogs didn’t try to escape the shocks if they had been conditioned to believe that they couldn’t escape. The conditioned dogs learned to accept their fate and not do anything to try and change the situation because they believed that they had no control over their circumstances, leading them to give up trying to change or improve their situation.
Cost-Benefit Analysis: Sometimes, giving up is a rational decision based on a cost-benefit analysis. If the perceived costs of continuing to pursue a goal outweigh the potential benefits, individuals may choose to disengage and allocate their resources elsewhere. For example, continuously chasing a goal that has lost its worth.
Adaptation: Giving up can be a form of adaptation to changing circumstances or constraints. When faced with insurmountable challenges or limitations, you may strategically decide to redirect your efforts towards other more attainable or rewarding goals. After all, who doesn't like to be rewarded?
Self-Preservation: In some cases, giving up may serve as a protective mechanism to preserve one’s well-being, mental health, or resources. For example, acknowledging personal limitations, setting realistic boundaries, and prioritising self-care over the relentless pursuit of unattainable goals.
Emotional Regulation: Letting go of unrealistic or unattainable goals can promote emotional well-being by reducing stress, frustration, and disappointment. This can help your overstimulated and tired nervous system relax. Eventually, this leads to accepting the limitations of a situation and moving on, which can foster resilience and psychological flexibility.
I’ve given up on things that weren't benefiting me, whether it was a toxic relationship or a dead-end career. Letting go helped me to focus on what was truly essential and aligned with my principles. — Anupa reddy
“I’ve made several attempts at other businesses or things in life that didn’t succeed, and I realised it’s not my cup of tea. I was ahead of time, and the market was not fully mature. I was young; I ran the gallery for a few years but eventually understood the time was not ideal. So, I let go of it.” — Supraja
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