Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes you just have to let go! From Arjun Rampal and Meher Jessia who divorced after 20 years to Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates who ended their marriage after 27 years, there has been a surge of ‘grey divorces’ (aka silver splitters) across the world. It has been observed that many ‘silver splitters’ wait for their kids to finish their education, get jobs, settle and then decide to separate from their partners of 25-30 years. Reasons for grey divorces range from relationship fatigue, prolonged torture, taunts, and disrespect, among others.
Always a Choice
Unhappy marriages could have extreme effects in terms of loneliness, anxiety, feelings of redundancy etc. However, staying in these too, could prove fatal. “No one plans a life together thinking it would one day end,” says Radhika Mohta, a matchmaker & Relationship Coach. She shares how couples tend to stay longer in marriages due to the involvement of kids to be more responsible as parents. Radhika says, “I would not really say that having a kid prevents the fall of a relationship. But it definitely extends the shelf-life of that relationship.”
Vinay Mehta (57), a silver splitter says that for a long time, his ex and he tried mending ways, but in vain. He says, “At times two good people may have completely different wants in life. Divorce is the last resort but a practical one when both individuals recognize and acknowledge the other’s needs.” He adds that today his son is a young adult. “He respects us both the same, and values us more for being there for him despite our differences,” says Vinay.
Empty-Nest Syndrome
Ayushi Mathur, ICF & NLP Certified Relationship Coach & Co-founder of Life by Design Retreats says that the biggest reasons for people choosing divorce at a later stage in life is ‘financial stability’ and the realization of ‘having a choice.’
Ayushi adds, “The empty-nest syndrome plays a significant role in grey divorces. It starts when kids leave their family homes to go off to college or start a life of their own.” Many couples grow apart over the years, yet adjust due to the involvement of kids. She explains that Some couples get so focused and involved in raising their kids that they don’t realize that they haven’t nurtured their own relationship.
Legal Crossroads
Advocate Yash Jangam, Partner at Sunita Jangam & Associates, A Divorce Law Firm shares insights behind the many layers of grey divorces from the legal spectrum. “People undergoing a grey divorce often anticipate the end of their marriage for a considerable time,” says Advocate Yash. Many couples choose to remain in marriages primarily due to the existence of a child. But once the child becomes an adult, then the reason to stay in marriage does not serve any purpose. “In such cases, opting for a divorce could be preferable rather than continuing in an unpleasant, abusive or not so peaceful relationship,” he says. Also, holding of joint properties could serve as an ugly and contentious area during divorce proceedings. Advocate Kritika Oberoi, Delhi High Court speaks on legal loopholes in grey divorces. She says, “Alimony or maintenance is a crucial aspect of any grey divorce.” Courts consider factors such as the length of the marriage, the age and health of spouses, their financial standing et al. She adds, “For older women who may have sacrificed their careers for family responsibilities, alimony becomes vital for ensuring financial stability even post the divorce.” Adv Kritika says that divorce by mutual consent is always regarded as one of the most amicable ways to settle marital disputes. Courts too step in to help both parties involved to reach a consensus.
Stigma Attack
Priya Parulekar, a clinical psychologist from Mumbai says that silver splitters are less concerned about people’s opinions as compared to younger divorced couples. There are a lot more years of effort put into their marriage, hence it lessens the amount of guilt or regret. She says that behavioural issues, infidelity, trust issues, and addictions usually serve as reasons for grey divorces. One needn’t forget the preconceived notion that marriage also provides a form of ‘companionship’ as one tends to age. Here, grey couples do face some amount of stigma primarily because they are viewed as couples who chose to lose the battle rather than have it won.
Ayushi Mathur adds, “Some people may view divorce as a failure or a sign of weakness, especially among older couples who have an added sense of responsibility to work through issues.” However, she opines that such societal stigma would soon change once attitudes widen and acceptance grows.
The surge of grey divorces in India shows the fact that India is witnessing a flux in attitudes and approaches as compared to traditionally accepted notions. Today, couples, grey or otherwise, don’t really have to settle for a life that feels unfulfilling or deprived of a spark or charm at any point or age!
