The moment someone tells a schoolgirl, teenager, or young woman to behave herself and be a “Good Girl” the images that conjure up are of a quiet, submissive, obedient girl, who is always pleasing people around her, be it home, school, public places, or office. Women of all ages often find themselves trapped in the “Good Girl” syndrome not realising that it can lead to severe mental and physical repercussions.
Multiple Constraints
In many households, young girls and women are told to sweep, mop, clean, cook, and serve food to the men in the family. Some patriarchal households even have the practice of men eating dinner first and then the women sit down to eat the leftovers later. These kinds of archaic and regressive practices are often passed off as things a homely ‘Good Girl’ should know. Anushree Sarkar (31), a former journalist and young woman suffering from the ‘good girl syndrome’ shares her traumatic experience, “In my quest to be the ‘good wife’, I gave into my husband’s demands (cook, clean and be submissive) but it was futile and never enough. When I stood up for myself, my mother severed ties, deeming me ‘not submissive enough’ and questioned my commitment to the marriage.”
For many women, childhood trauma and lack of love and support from the family leads to them seeking validation for their behaviour from society. Snigdha Mishra, a psychotherapist and founder of LifeSurfers Wellness Foundation says, “The need to be the ‘good girl’ always emerges from a background of patriarchal parenting and a deficient social structure, where independent-mindedness and self-exploration are discouraged. This leads to low self-respect and self-esteem.” Snigdha adds, “Stuck in a cycle of victimhood or martyrdom of caring for others, their locus of control lies externally, leaving the power in the hands of abusive partners or significant others.”
Breaking Free
Not just young girls, but women of all ages who stifle their voices and submit to societal expectations often find themselves trapped in the ‘Good Girl’ syndrome of people-pleasing. The struggle revolves around the choice between conforming to societal acceptance or breaking free from the shackles of patriarchy to live independently.
Nivedita Sikdar (40), a manager for a PR Firm and former ‘good girl’ shares her experience saying, “After 11 years of enduring gaslighting, taunting, and severe insomnia, depression, stress-induced migraines, and weight gain, I chose to break free. Now, I am living life independently, no longer putting up with my husband’s emotional abuse for societal acceptance.”
Being differently-abled coupled with gender norms rears its ugly head when neuro-sensitive individuals are forced to fit into gender moulds and ‘normalcy.’ Aastha Chaudhry (29), an autistic psychotherapist and disability rights activist speaks of the ‘Good Girl’ syndrome.
“When you are differently-abled and forced to perform gender-centric things, it leads to severe mental trauma. I was reminded that no one would marry me because I could not make rotis. As a hypersensitive neuro-sensitive person, the touch of flour and being forced to wear a skirt despite being triggered by its texture, led to severe mental breakdowns,” Aastha says. Today, Aastha helps differently-abled and neurotypical individuals of all genders break the shackles of conformity.
Work in Progress
Breaking free from the ‘good girl syndrome’ involves empowering oneself to embrace freedom, and self-respect and assert individuality. “A crucial step in this journey is learning the art of saying no,” says Snigdha Mishra. Embracing this shift in mindset enables liberation from societal expectations and the constraints of the 'good girl' narrative, fostering personal growth and freedom.
“One of the therapeutic approaches that can help with the syndrome is CBT, where addressing and challenging conscious and unconscious perfectionist thoughts are seen without blame. Developing healthier coping mechanisms with self-compassion while working around fear of judgments can be looked into,” says Aamina Shareef, senior executive (Outreach & Content) Mpower, Mumbai.
The need to be the ‘good girl’ always emerges from a background of patriarchal parenting and a deficient social structure.” — Snigdha Mishra, Psychotherapist, Founder, LifeSurfers Wellness Foundation
One of the therapeutic approaches that can help with the syndrome is CBT where addressing and challenging conscious and unconscious perfectionist thoughts are seen without blame.” — Aamina Shareef, Sr. Executive - Outreach & Content, Mpower – Mumbai
Breaking free from the ‘good girl syndrome’ involves empowering oneself to embrace freedom, and self-respect and assert individuality
A COMPLEX ISSUE
• The Good Girl quandary leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, BPD, low sex drive, and depression in women of all ages• The good girl syndrome traits – unable to say no, forced silence, submission, high standards, and difficulty advocating sexual intimacy
• The ‘KIRAN’ (1800-599-0019) an initiative by the MSJE, Govt of India is the nation’s first mental health helpline.
