Wows and ows of the wooing game

Hyderabad:From Socrates to Kanye West, all philosophers will argue that most logical problems can be resolved by adopting a rational approach, by speaking in turns, ensuring that one speaks from facts and objective data without any prejudice.

In short, if two parties can manage to steer clear of basic fallacies that most debates fall prey to, willingly or otherwise, no argument can last longer than is required for the two participants to speak their piece and consequently, one of them must bow to the infallible veracity of logic, the exactitude of science, concede, shake hands, and return to whatever they were doing before the disagreement arose.

If you ask me, I don’t think any of these guys were ever in lasting relationships, at least not with a girl, or someone who thinks and acts like girl. Arguing with a girl is like asking that metaphoric fish to lend you her bicycle not that it wouldn’t happen, but the circumstances which could lead to the creation of one such situation where you could find a fish riding a bicycle and then ask the fish to part with it even if momentarily, it just wouldn’t happen.

You wouldn’t know what language to make the request in for starters! That last point is exactly what happens when men are trying to communicate with women; it’s as if we are transmitting on two different frequencies, the boys on AM/FM, and the girls on whatever ET used.

Having established this age-old concern in a somewhat detailed manner, allow me to now try and convince you ladies why we men are so incorrigibly, irrevocably, inexplicably horrible. Or, in other words, why men are men.

To sum it up, here is the classic complaint boys never listen, and if they do, they forget or choose not to remember, and then if they do recollect, they never improve from the experience and instead make the same mistakes over again.

Well, here is the problem: we men may know how to keep a girl happy. Some of us may even know how to satisfy them but happiness is a different beast altogether. It all begins with not showing too much eagerness in the early stages, but that, as all men know, is pretty much impossible.

The great wooing act is just that, an act, and it is all about not being ourselves. To correct myself a bit, it is an involuntary spasmatic form of behaviour that imposes itself on us we stop burping, we offer to pay for everything, we show our sensitive side that likes classical music, soppy movies and even colours that we are not sure of how to identify or even pronounce, like fuchsia! We do all that and what the women see can pretty much be summed up in three words: knight, armour and shining. From that point on, it is all downhill, for both the sexes.

With time, men crawl back into their own skins, they get comfortable around their lady-friends and out comes the body-odour and the inability to have diurnal showers. This is usually accompanied by a form of clumsiness that is ubiquitous.

What the women see is something akin to bringing home a pure-bred prize winning dog and then watch him debilitate into a puppy that litters and wails all the time. Like Benjamin Button, but with a dog. Man, my analogic imagination is on a roll today! But back to the point, as always I don’t have one.

Ladies, lower your expectations and when you think you can go no further, drop some more. As for dear brethren, try and be yourselves when you meet women the first time; chances are that it might lead to most of us never finding someone willing to stay with us but at least you won’t have to hold back on those middle-of-the-night farts.