When in relationship, think before you assume

Bengaluru: The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place, as George Bernard Shaw would say. This year was a year of much realisation for me. In terms of relationships, I’ve realised an integral point where a lot of us falter. To introspect and recognise that one is prone to carrying baggage in terms of perceptions which are not always reality, is half the battle won.

Perceptions are coloured with our viewpoints, past experiences with other friends and our own problems with other people. We assume a lot of things and they are not always true, but we base our behaviour on our assumptions. Instead we should first assess and be hundred percent sure before we react.

“Emotion-driven misinterpretations spell trouble for relationships. They lead to escalating accusations, disappearing trust and constricting hearts. If only we could recognise how emotions shape perceptions, we could restore close connections and solve our misconceptions,” says Russell Lemle in an article. We must face one fundamental reality — that our own insecurities, and the demons we conjure up make us misinterpret actions that are actually harmless. For instance, I’d felt that a friend was upset with me and was not responding to my messages.

I was dismayed and began a process of reactions based on the assumption. It turned out that her phone had got stolen and I had actually misread her reactions and misinterpreted her entirely. In another instance, a friend had felt I had taken sides in her altercation with a common friend. I hadn’t. And she had assumed otherwise.

When something like this happens, there is a fair chance that the injured party is harbouring some past grudges. It is important then to confront our own demons and never place the faults and problems of one relationship onto another.

If we have experienced issues with one friend, another person might not behave in the same manner. Human beings are different to each other and we cannot predict one person’s behaviour based on our disappointment or disagreement with another. Each relationship must be allowed to have its individuality.

Another very valuable trick to avert this kind of negative perception is to take into serious consideration history of behaviour, for which I have a pet word called ‘bank balance’. We must dip into the ‘bank balance’ of goodwill and all the wonderful times that one has shared with a friend, loved one or parents and then respond and react.

We are nearly always bound to make mistakes in understanding and reacting appropriately if we do not stop to reconsider background and happy moments that have been shared. Past behaviour also helps us understand that if we are upset about some recent behaviour then we need to moderate our reactions and consider the good times and goodwill. And the trick would be hearing the person out whom we have misunderstood before plunging head-on into an argument.

The goal is harmony and understanding, and we must keep these two objectives in mind so that we don’t over-react, criticise, get hurt, feel rebuffed and react to a situation even before it has occurred.

In my case, I have realised that before I jump to conclusions, I must first access my fears and gain insight into people before I arrive at any conclusion.