Saas and sensibility: Veena Venugopal’s new book

Hyderabad: In a country that is fixated on saas-bahu soap operas and ubiquitous jokes about the larger-than-life figure of the mother-in-law, it comes as a surprise that few literary works focus on this topic. That was journalist and author Veena Venugopal’s initial observation when she started writing her latest tome, The Mother-in-Law: The Other Woman in Your Marriage.

She points out, “My publisher Chiki Sarkar was also surprised that there hasn’t been much done on this topic, either from a traditional or pop culture or even a sociological point of view. Having read my earlier book Would You Like Some Bread with that Book, she felt that I had the right voice for writing on this topic.”

The book focuses on urban women and their dynamics with their mother-in-law. “When I started writing this book, my first aim was to decide what to eliminate. It was difficult to look at every class of society. So, my idea was to focus on the urban, English speaking, middle-class women with similar upbringing and value systems. Then, I wanted to speak to people who weren’t known to me.  I wanted that degree of separation because I believe that you are never 100 percent honest with a friend,” she explains.

The author confesses that The Mother-in-Law wasn’t an easy book to write. “It was hard to find a voice,” she says, adding, “When I started writing, I wanted to write a funny book as the entire mother-in-law tussle is viewed as a big joke. As I went deeper, the stories got darker, and the book took a more serious turn (than I had intended) at one point. I wasn’t sure where to draw the line and how light I wanted the book to be. I wanted to look at things in an amusing way. But when you are sitting across someone who was having a hard time. It was difficult to do that.”

Speaking about her own experiences, she says, “I enjoyed a non-clichéd relationship with my mother-in-law. But when she moved in with us (at my request) to help with my daughter, it didn’t work out. Small things would cause resentment. Had it been my own mother, there would have been a shouting match. Since you can’t openly talk about it with your mother-in-law, and vice-versa, the emotions would build up. But once she went back, we are back on good terms.”

Veena says that she was surprised by the response garnered by this book. “I knew there would be two types of readers, one who would think ‘Thank God, I don’t have a mother-in-law like that’ and the other, who would think that they are not alone in their struggles. But, I also realised that this topic touches people. I discovered that most people were open to speaking about their experiences. The reaction has been great. I didn’t expect that,” she explains.

So was she ever concerned about propagating a subject considered a stereotype by many? “Not really,” she says, “I didn’t start with the stereotype. I started the book thinking that everybody had a non-violent and non-confrontational relationship with their mother-in-law. But, the stereotype is the truth. Much as we would like to believe that things have changed, they haven’t. The stereotypes are very real. And this is the worst generation when it comes to the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships.”

Veena also draws our attention to a factor that is hardly spoken about, the role of the man. “I think that is one thing nobody talks about. That has to change. I’ve seen happy endings when the husband is supportive of the wife. If the man is ambivalent, the stories haven’t ended well. I think it is important for young people to marry a man who is on their side,” she says.