Relationship musings; The search for a soul mate

A few days ago at lunch with a  good friend, I noticed how she teased her little daughter about her wedding one day when she grows up. The little child beamed delightedly. A girl’s marriage is a monumental life event, especially in India. It is nearly as if her whole life until that red letter day is a preparation for finding the right man, choosing from among friends and acquaintances, and then the actual act of marrying him.

Less so in this day and age maybe, but definitely one of the most important happenings in a girl’s life. This is what actor and dear friend, Manisha Koirala and I discussed over coffee, when she revealed that this very quest for a soul mate unravelled some unvisited, rare areas of her personal journey and realities about her own self.

Her eyes reflective pools of myriad expressions, Manisha  shared, “My search for my soul mate led me to myself. When I was young, I was commitment-phobic and as time passed by I grew more curious about my purpose. As work lessened and I had more time to think, I saw most of my friends and family happily married, nurturing and bringing up their kids. There was this increasing insecurity of landing up all alone in my old age. No husband, no children, no grandchildren! Until the time I realised there may be no tomorrow, when I was told I had cancer.”

Life situations of this sort change the entire complexion of existence. You look at everything from a different perspective. Manisha realised life is more than what it appears to be. And relationships go deeper than what we see them as. We have to be what we desire in others and make a relationship beautiful by transforming our own reaction. “Everything changed in the blink of an eye,” she said. “Now, I see, feel and experience life differently. Earlier I was looking for my soul mate (different perceptions for different people) but now I look for honest, soulful interactive bonding. I’m super sensitive about being honest as I believe strongly that we should not play with any other human being’s emotions. God knows what’s going on in their lives.”

She added, “When I set out in my search for a soul mate I began to be aware of the qualities I wished in the other person. What was I seeking? The answer is quite simple for me. Honesty, great chemistry, spiritual leaning, someone who has done self-work, a person satisfied with his work and keen to achieve higher goals and lastly and most importantly, a great friend who I can talk with about just anything and  laugh with. After years of researching, I have realised that we attract who and what we are. How many of us are willing to change?”

We always attract what we fear or are trying to hide in ourselves, believes Manisha. “So if one meets a man who cheats, there is something in us that is pointing a finger, not only to the other person but us. So when we seek a special partner in life we do need to look within ourselves critically,” she said.

Tumultuous relationships, Manisha suggests, are beautiful opportunities to ask deeper questions and explore hidden messages. “It’s so easy and satisfying to blame others. It’s true that people can wrong you in a relationship, and it’s also good to end a bad relationship...” Manisha feels introspection is most important for a happy and mutually respectful relationship. We really need to evaluate not only our partner or spouse but also ourselves. That’s the key to everlasting love.

The author is a luxury consultant and lifestyle columnist. You can mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com